And so it begin again…in spectacular fashion

Art by Nox W. Burt

Transformers 3 Dark of the Moon opened in eye-catching fashion, with Optimus Prime – voiced by the great Peter Cullen – narrating the ending days of the Autobot-Decepticon war on their planet Cybertron.

It was a wonderfully-rendered CGI masterpiece; a mechanically-detailed home-world under fire from a myriad of turrets and other, more alien weaponry.

The Autobots had a “last-hope” ship, carrying a secret cargo (the space pillars, as we’ll learn later) which was meant to make it elsewhere, away from the carnage wrought by the winning side – the Decepticons.

Unfortunately, a spiraling weapon straight out of science-fiction, launched by the Decepticons after the ship, would damage it severely, causing it to crash-land onto Earth’s moon after untold years through space.

Humans monitored the crash with…and this is where things start to go awry with the story. Humans hadn’t yet been to the moon, so how could they detect anything crashing on the moon?

Asteroids and meteors crash there all the time, as it is. With no monitoring equipment, there’s no way they would know this information!

Nonetheless, we excuse that foible to get on with Transformers the Dark of the Moon.

The journey tied in to the Space Program’s historic first-landing of a man on the moon, at which point they discover Sentinel Prime’s forlorn body inside an alien ship from Cybertron.

The information is reported to Control back on earth, and our human story commences.

Many fans missed Megan Fox; many more didn’t.

The next scene introduces the enviable body of the Megan Fox replacement, the model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, who plays Sam’s (reprised by actor Shia Labeouf) new girlfriend Carly.

We learn a bit about Sam’s life and his new-found, rather unlikable hero-complex.

He is jobless after college, and wishes the world appreciates him more than the paid-for Ivy League tuition and presidential award he received for his part in the previous Transformers.

They banter in a few scenes meant to be cute and informative while Sam awaits the arrival of his parents; but, the domestic scenes leave us wondering if there will be enough screen time for the robots.

In comes Sam Witwicky’s mother (played by actress Julie White), whose character in the movie may very well be plagued by Revenge of the Fallen’s entirely overdone comedic role.

It’s rather unfortunate, because her humor isn’t nearly as overdone as some might lead you to believe, it’s just that the history of her character persists, and not to good effect.

Although there weren’t any more weed cookies and scenes of her tackling (assaulting) college Frisbee throwers, you get the feeling this was only because there weren’t any around, not because her character was any more under control. At least her screen time was significantly reduced.

I’d probably just stay in alt-mode.

In the time since Megatron and the Decepticons’ defeat, Cybertronian technology has been incorporated into many Earth systems.

In Transformers 3 Dark of the Moon, Energon powers cities and aids defense systems, and the Autobots are dedicated to aiding humans fight other humans – which of course, just means they’re helping the United States against her enemies!

Which all happen to be Arab-sounding terrorists, which is fairly indicative of the times.

On a side note, Bumblebee appears to have matured physically, in the only way one would expect a robot to be able to do so: he looks awesome!

More like a tank than a car, his alt-mode supports the unfurling of cannons from every conceivable crevice in his chassis, which is definitely a new ability. Despite this, the Transformers are always on the lookout for the inevitable emergence of the Decepticons.

The appearance of their age-old enemy is obviously not long in coming, since a movie called “Transformers” couldn’t possibly subsist on alien robots blasting terrorist guard-posts for two-and-a-half hours (we have Jason Bourne for that).

Fittingly, the stomping grounds of the Decepticons would be someplace that humans couldn’t easily go – Chernobyl (Chernobyl exists in real life; it is a nuclear facility that underwent a radioactive catastrophe and is uninhabitable even to this day).

Bumblebee in battle-mode is no joke.

So the human NEST team in Transformers 3, led of course by the promoted Lennox (played by Josh Duhamel) ends up in Chernobyl with an Energon detector, looking for some (bad) Transformers, on a tip given to them by a human who will turn out to have been a double agent. “Have been” a double-agent is the operative word here, as he is killed by a Dragon-like Transformer called Laserbeak.

As for the human soldiers from NEST, the Transformer they run into is by far the biggest one yet: Driller, Shockwave Transformer’s pet metallic planet-worm. How big is it? It will later wrap itself around skyscrapers and break them in half.

Optimus you scary!

Optimus Prime arrives on the scene to take on Driller in their first encounter. And my; does Optimus come in style!

His previously useless semi-trailer box now converts into a Cybertronian weapons depot, from which the Autobot leader arms himself with a shield and Energon blade capable of cutting through just about anything.

Optimus succeeds in beating Driller Transformer into temporary submission, sending both Driller and his master Shockwave back underground. Additionally, we find out that the object NEST was looking for in Chernobyl was an ancient engine part to a ship from Cybertron.

Cut to Sam on his job hunt. We sit through some more scenes of humor – some of which worked, some of which didn’t, ALL of which were collectively too long – of the distinctly unlikable main human character.

Not a complete waste of a scene…

It is filled with his incessant complaints about his lot in life, until we get back on track with the story – whatever that might be.

The place where Sam finally ends up working is in an office headed by John Malkovich’s character.

As usual, everything about his role is over-the-top, but thankfully, it is merely yet another stop on the way to what there is of a plot in Transformers 3.

The scene-time here would have been better used to show Bumblebee or Ironhide doing something. It’s almost as though the film-makers had attention-deficit-disorder, and couldn’t focus on a tangible script.

Either that, or five different writers submitted their parts without regard to what each other was doing. After a spell of Sam-centered “job interviews”, we get to meet the Transformers again in all their robotic glory.

They’re standing around and having at it with the Director of National Intelligence, (Marissa Faireborn, played by actress Frances McDormand) regarding a secret kept by the humans from them.

Don’t believe the hype – we got there first.

After a well-deserved and heart-warming cameo by Buzz Aldrin, to whom Optimus Prime echoes the sentiments of everyone in the movie theater, saying “It’s an honor to meet you”; the secret is revealed.

The Apollo space program discovered the Autobot Ark Starship on the Moon, and classified it above top-secret for all those years.

So now, we at least know what the goal of either side is in Transformers the Dark of the Moon.

Dark of the Moon willfully and cluelessly takes another strange ten-minute diversion into Sam’s life, when he goes to pick up his girlfriend Carly from her rich bosses office, where their first meeting is not very good.

Don’t let the smile fool you…

The boss Dylan – played by actor Patrick Dempsey – seemed to have little purpose in the movie, except to make Carly’s role relevant.

He would hold her hostage later in an entirely superfluous side-plot, which accomplished absolutely nothing that wouldn’t have transpired in its absence.

The mighty (formerly, given his current state) Megatron makes his debut, downgraded from his one-of-a-kind Cybertronian flying tank, to a still-formidable truck of some kind.

Apparently, Optimus Prime’s damage to his face caused more problems than he envisioned.

Either that or the script-writers felt it was time for a change (!). Megatron’s short scene consisted of little more than a chance to see his new alt-mode, an update from the dragon-like Decepticon Laserbeak, and the first appearance of Starscream, groveling as usual.

More humor at the office with actor Ken Jeong (Jerry “Deep” Wang), who’s a double agent who had a change of heart and tried to “do right.”

And then of course Sam gets him killed by bursting into his office to unwittingly tell the listening Decepticon precisely what Jerry (Deep Wang) had been trying to keep from their ears (Laserbeak was hiding in desktop computer form on Jerry’s desk). Once Sam leaves, Laserbeak kills Jerry. Oh well.

There have been better days for Megatron

Sam escapes from the building as Laserbeak chases him through the office, and gets to a place where he knows the Transformers are secretly residing.

After some serious overacting with the guards – it wasn’t Shia’s fault, it was the script – angry Sam finally gets a meeting with his Autobot friends.

After a rough first meeting between Sam and the Director of National Intelligence, Optimus reinvigorates Sentinel Prime’s long-dead body.

They bring him up to speed, and we learn that Sentinel Prime saved five space-time Pillars, which form a space-bridge that only Sentinel can operate. It is capable of transporting huge amounts of stuff from one place to another, no matter how distant.

During the whole fracas with McDormand, it becomes startlingly clear how much better chemistry there was between the departed Mikaela (actress Megan Fox) and Same (Shia), than Carly (Rosie).

It is a shame for the many fans of the franchise in general, that something wasn’t worked out to bring her back; although by all accounts, her departure was largely in her hands. Mikaela was simply much more believable as an action heroine for this particular movie franchise.

In comes the former Sector 7 head Mr. Simmons. It’s always good to see John Turturro, the actor who plays him. Sam calls him and fills him in, after yet another distracting humorous scene that the movie might’ve done without.

Slayer of Ironhide.

Turturro, Sam and a few other largely useless humans go searching for former Russian cosmonauts, who seem to have inexplicably turned into Russian mobsters or something.

Turturro’s assistant, Dutch (played by Alan Tudyk), turns into a ninja and pretty much fights the lot of them – fulfilling the human-oriented action quota of the film – until they can sit down amicably and hash out what the Decepticons are up to.

It turns out that the entire thing has been a set-up; the Decepticons have hundreds of space-pillars, as opposed to the paltry five in the possession of the human intelligence and Autobot coalition.

The real reason behind all the Decepticon-scheming was to manufacture a way for Optimus Prime to find Sentinel, because only a Prime can revive a Prime. Only Sentinel can work the space bridge, and so the traitor must be revived.

Sentinel Prime had made a deal with Megatron because he felt it was the only way to preserve their home planet Cybertron.

Without much fanfare, Sentinel ends Ironhide’s life with unexpected cannon blasts to the shoulders and head. Yes; you read that right: In Transformers 3, Ironhide the grizzled veteran Autobot is dead.

After such a monumental Dark of the Moon scene, we are pulled kicking and screaming into yet another episode in the life of Sam, and his mother’s penchant for saying the word “shit”.

Dark of the Moon

After this tiresome comedic diversion, we are shuttled back to the Transformers.

It turns out that Sentinel Prime had betrayed the Autobots long, long ago, and his ship had crashed on the moon in the process of his defection from the Autobot ranks.

Optimus Prime arrives in time to see Sentinel opening the space bridge to the moon, where many Decepticons – in a completely inexplicable incident; have all those robots been on the moon for millenia, underground?

Although; come to think of it, Megatron was frozen for tens-of-thousands of years in the Arctic, so maybe it does make sense in Transformers-logic – arise from beneath the moon dust, and begin transporting themselves to earth by jumping into the portal that opens up.

Optimus and Sentinel have a short battle, which Optimus loses; Sentinel walks away, with Optimus vowing revenge for his betrayal of all that is good and right.

Dylan, Carly’s boss, finally reveals his nefarious nature, as a traitor – what is it with this Dark of the Moon and traitors – and exposes that he was never on the side of the humans; in fact, he was born into it.

The Decepticons had made Dylan’s father, who was head of a division of NASA, use budget maneuvering to keep man out of space and the moon. Dylan inherited this responsibility, and has been continuing his father’s bout with high treason since his birth.

They capture Carly and outfit Sam with a fool-proof device to keep him silent about Decepticon plans, while simultaneously eavesdropping on what the Autobots wish to do.

Decepticons are so predictable…

With the small Decepticon-watch attached to his central nervous system and able to send jolts of pain whenever he even thinks about trying to spill their secret, Sam is sent back to the Autobots, where he learns, much to his chagrin, that the Autobots are being forced to leave via the spaceship Xantium.

While there, we meet the Wreckers (an Autobot surgical strike team of skilled Transformers – rather like the robot version of the Navy Seals) for the first time, halfway through the film.

We also run into former lieutenant Gibson, who is now an independent contractor, and who we fully expect to eventually re-don the battle gear and team back up with Lennox to fight the Transformers. At the very least, Dark of the Moon owes us that, right!?

Sam talks with Optimus and the seemingly immortal voice of Peter Cullen rings loud and true. He is forced by the central-nervous-system-altering robot to ask Optimus Prime about the Autobot’s plans, so that it could be relayed back to the Decepticons.

This scene unexpectedly gave me deep chills of a sad remembrance

In what was the only evidence of real strategy in Transformers 3, Optimus tells him a lie, unbeknownst to neither Sam nor the listening Decepticons.

Shortly thereafter, after a heartwarming parting between Sam and Bumblebee, the Xanthium takes to the sky…where it is met head-on by Starscream, in full flight.

He sends missiles through the great ship, destroying it completely. The Autobots are dead!?

With some more silly dialogue (Sam wonders why Gibson, a former soldier and friend, is helping him. What a laughable question. Why not would have made more sense), Sam and Gibson start on the search for Carly.

The incredibly stupid Dylan is shocked as the Decepticon minions begin taking over the city, blasting people into dust on sight and wreaking general havoc.

Shhh…don’t tell Dylan Carly’s of no use anymore

He amazingly doesn’t seem to realize that his use is completely spent; the Decepticons simply don’t need the cover of deception any longer.

He nonetheless makes it safely into a building, still inexplicably guarding Sam’s girlfriend Carly, who isn’t the key to anything at this point.

In the next scene of importance, we are shown Sam and Epps, with a handful of his old NEST contacts.

They are out in the open on the outskirts of Chicago, where evil alien ships are flying around not too far away from them, talking loudly about not going to get Carly, as it is simply too dangerous.

Since they are out in the open, it isn’t all that surprising when one of the Decepticon robot-ships spots them, and comes blazing away, causing them to finally understand the need for cover.

Before the Decepticon ship kills all members of the hapless band, it is downed by a single huge bullet from…none other than Optimus Prime, in what should have been a dramatic scene, and would have been, had Dark of the Moon been a good movie that made you care about the characters.

It was a nonetheless refreshing scene to see the ages-old Autobot walk onto the scene, and apply the finishing blow to the writhing Decepticon, even as he explained to Sam that it was all a trick; they knew the Decepticons had to see them die in order to have the element of surprise.

A Bot of many talents

The Wreckers arrive on the scene and literally tear the remaining evil robot apart, with just their bare hands.

Shortly thereafter, Bumblebee and Mirage Transformer arrive on the scene, and the crew readies for the final series of battles.

Bumblebee gets into the flying robot ship with which the now dead Decepticon minions had originally attacked, along with the remaining human soldiers and Sam; they fly directly into the protected city in the enemy ship, undetected.

Sam jumps out of the ship into the building and finds Carly; Laserbeak attacks him and nearly kills him. During the ensuing battle, Sam escapes with Carly and kills Laserbeak by thrusting Megatron’s loyal pet’s head into the flames from the robot ship.

It would turn out – somewhat implausibly – that this would not be the last mighty Decepticon that Sam would kill without the aid of much in the way of a weapon.

Everyone rallies at the heroic acts of the little crew and speed towards the now infiltrated city, in an attempt to get to the space-pillars and stop the Decepticons from bringing the entire planet Cybertron into Earth-space.

Although they still managed to have far too little screen time in Dark of the Moon, the Wreckers were front and center during the assault on Chicago.

The Wreckers. Well; one of them anyway…

Here, they used their souped-up alt-modes to provide cover fire as Sam, Carly (why Carly, I don’t know. Heck; why Sam, I don’t know) ran into the city alongside the speeding Autobots to begin the final attack.

In one of the coolest scenes in an action movie this year, Lennox and his soldiers used special suits to sky-glide into the city by air.

Dark of the Moon’s ultimate minion surfaces when several seconds later, we are reintroduced to Shockwave’s pet, Driller. The subterranean monstrosity barrels its way through earth and concrete as easily as a knife through butter, and actually cuts a skyscraper in half while trying to kill Sam and crew inside the building.

Finally, as it just about nearly accomplishes this, Optimus – who’s found a jetpack from somewhere, unsheathes his mighty Energon blades and cuts off Driller’s head (or what passes for a head on a metallic earthworm from Cybertron). Shockwave finally fires off his big cannon, striking Optimus in a decidedly unimpressive blast, given the size of the gun. Optimus is temporarily trapped as the Wreckers scoot to the rescue.

Yet another dire problem arises in the final half-hour of this hour-long action scene: Starscream, himself, runs down Sam and Carly, and essentially fights Sam to the death, as unbelievable as that may sound. It’s even more implausible watching it, however.

Sam killed the star-traveling Decepticon second-in-demand with a grappling hook…albeit a Cybertronian grappling hook.

Just imagine what Optimus Prime could do with one of those, if a human can kill a Decepticon with it. Frankly, this was just extremely poor and unimaginative writing.

With the space-time pillars already released and the process of warping Cybertron underway, Lennox and Epps meet up for the first time and prepare to try and shoot down the main pillar.

Elsewhere, some of the Autobots have been captured. Bumblebee and Brain are readied for execution, which is strange, as Bumblebee’s weapons are in not in any way incapacitated.

Dylan urges Barricade to shoot-to-kill, and Brain is shot dead. As luck would have it, Wheelie and Autobot Que strip apart one of the largest Decepticon ships in the sky, and some of the parts fall down on the Decepticon Soundwave even as it had a cannon pointed to Bumblebee’s head, giving Bee the time he needed to decide to reengage his captor.

He of course succeeds in blowing the bad-bot apart. Unfortunately for Wheelie and Que, they are unable to escape from the falling robot-ship in time, and perish at the conclusion of their heroic act.

Battle scenes involving inspired human soldier action, in which they succeed in killing around 4 Decepticons without Autobot aid – who are arriving on the scene late, as usual; which is strange because they’re all cars, right – leading up to the awesome sight of a barren Cybertron phasing into Earth’s atmosphere under the tech-support of Sentinel Primes space-time bridge.

Optimus Prime is coming!

Optimus reenters the scene spectacularly, jet-packing in and doing what it usually takes 5 Autobots to do – killing Decepticons left and right, as he plows relentlessly toward Shockwave.

It isn’t much of a battle once he gets there; Shockwave, despite the promise of the many Transformers trailers leading up to Dark of the Moon, is nowhere near Prime’s level in hand-to-hand combat. The de-facto leader of the Decepticons is killed in two blows, without getting his gun off once.

Sentinel Prime, his space-pillars now on autopilot, slowly drawing the planet Cybertron out of space-time and into Earth’s own space-time, leaps down to engage the rampaging Optimus Prime. He has, after all, been the only single enemy that has posed any real threat whatsoever to the Autobot leader in the entire movie, besting him twice already without killing him.

The last battle between the two Primes, one fallen and one always risen, begins. Optimus unleashes a brilliant Energon battle axe from his chassis and attacks the traitor, driving the elder Prime backwards into rubble. Prime, momentarily stunned, drives him back with a kick and flashes his Cybertanium lance and huge shield.

Is that a sword and a shield or two shields?

Sentinel displays the fighting skill for which it appears all Primes are known, shrugging off attacks by the rest of the Autobots as they look for opportunities to jump into the battle when Optimus and Sentinel are parted.

While this is going on, Dylan commits an act higher than high treason, by reactivating the stalled space pillar, which had been knocked down in one of the numerous battles going on all around it.

In an atrocious disregard of the laws of physics, the stalled planet, which had been hovering in a noncommittal mode above the earth, regained confidence and started encroaching on Earth’s space-time

Optimus and Sentinel are steadily going at it…until once again Sentinel Prime gets the upper hand and wrenches Optimus’ arm off with his gigantic sword.

While he is preparing the final blow, Megatron, his courage questioned by Carly – she called him Sentinel’s bitch, in an exchange surely written by a male screenwriter – comes out of nowhere, blasting directly at Sentinel all the while.

Megatron fells Sentinel, incapacitating him but not killing him, and a one-armed Optimus experiences a surge of resolve and attacks his oldest enemy.

In the background, the humans – Sam, of course – have finally stopped the space-pillar and caused Cybertron to disappear for good from Terran realm.

Maintaining battle-consistency throughout the film, Optimus completely annihilates Megatron, rending him into oblivion with his new Energon Axe. There’s no mistaking Megatron’s death this time.

Prime, however, isn’t finished; he picks up Megatron’s biggest gun and exchanges final words with Sentinel, who pleads for his life.

Prime listens to his cries for nary more than a second before he sends the formerly great Prime on his way to meet Megatron in the robot afterlife.

I consider this to be the closing scene in Dark of the Moon, as the cheesy ending between Sam and Carly doesn’t resonate due to their lack of chemistry for the past two-and-a-half hours.

The promises of a better script notwithstanding, Transformers 3 Dark of the Moon not only didn’t live up to its billing, it only barely edged-out its awful predecessor, Revenge of the Fallen.

The movie was far too long for such insubstantial relationships as were present, and character motivations were dubious, at best.

Attention to detail was nonexistent anywhere except in the wonderfully-rendered Transformers, themselves; and the only reason why yet another sequel will make its way into theaters within 2-3 years is because Dark of the Moon just grossed over a billion bucks worldwide. Yikes.

Revenge of the Fallen 2009. The shy guy is the Fallen, himself.

His barber would have to be Wolverine

Like a scene straight out of 10,000 BC, the most highly-anticipated movie of the year 2009 opened with primitive man on the hunt, during which he would uncover a valley of vaguely-Transformers-like machines on the prowl.

Transformers Revenge of the Fallen had landed, just two years after the mega-successful debut of the first movie.

For what; it is not yet known – but, as ion beams and blasts of unearthly flames meet mere spears and javelins, it is clear that early man has more than met his match…

Cut to the present day. Despite the noisy fracas of Transformers live-action film 2007, the Transformers are still – strangely – hidden from humanity-at-large.

Only a select-few military personnel know of their existence (which is curious given that those same guys couldn’t keep a lid on radar or the atomic bomb), and have formed a team called N.E.S.T with a new breed of advanced Autobots.

This team, of course, is led by the mighty Optimus Prime.

The classified Networked Elements: Support and Transformers strike team cavorts around the globe hunting none other than Decepticons, whose last defeat sent the survivors scurrying to different holes in different countries.

Oh how far the mighty have fallen.

Transformers Revenge of the Fallen Begins!

I first started as a unicycle.

In Transformers Revenge of the Fallen, we are treated to a mesmerizing scene of the Autobot weapons-specialist Ironhide.

He is seen coolly transforming from his GMC Top-kick into full robot-form in anticipation of an impending battle with the detected Decepticons.

The scene suddenly is ablaze, and an absolutely humongous Decepticon (called Demolishor) literally running amok, crushing everything beneath its massive wheels.

You wonder briefly how any of the much smaller Autobots are going to handle such a behemoth.

The first kill for the good guys goes to the Autobot Swideswipe, in self-acknowledged spectacular fashion.

HELLO: My Name Is Swideswipe

Displaying close-quarter combat skills second only to Optimus Prime’s, this heretofore unseen Autobot uses unbreakable Cybertanium blades to simply cut an unfortunate Decepticon named Sideways (maybe he felt miffed about the name-similarity) in half!

We should aptly name this move “the Megatron” (rest in peace, Autobot Jazz).

Meanwhile, the gigantic Demolishor is running amok on the 405 freeway, and seems too much for anyone to handle, crushing cars and trucks with reckless abandon. This looks like a job for the Kal-El-equivalent of the Autobots: Optimus Prime!

The former leader of Cybertron falls from the sky in an impressive CGI scene that probably used all of the pixel-generating power of Namibia’s sole television tower, and descended on the marauding enemy robot.

Keep in mind that humans are dying at a clip akin to the Russians in WWII as Optimus and Demolishor dance.

In a badass scene probably written by Clint Eastwood, Optimus tells Demolishor to pull over, merely as a formality because he simultaneously blasts him off the beaten path.

With his last (breath?), Demolishor utters the ominous words “The Fallen shall rise again”, suggesting initially that there is some verb-noun confusion in his dying circuits.

Give me your face!

We shall later learn that no; there is indeed a being called ‘The Fallen’.

In a disturbing but consistent trend, Optimus then erases Demolishor’s face with a gun the size of Bumblebee, shooting a bullet the size of Sam Witwicky.

In the next scene, we finally see our boy hero, Sam Witwicky, involved in a hilarious scene with his parents, as the Hero of Ages prepares to go to college.

The action restarts as he is involved with his girlfriend, Mikaela, in a phone conversation about the trip away from home to school; a shard of the Allspark, or Cube, falls out of Sam’s bag as he searches for something.

Being the energy source that it is, the Allspark slips from his grasp and starts bringing shit to life, turning his entire kitchen into a bunch of tiny Decepticons. He must have got the evil piece.

Man y’all are cuttin’-up down there

Bumblebee comes transforming out of Sam’s garage, solar-accelerator guns blazing furiously.

He is seen dispatching (almost) all the Kitchen-Decepticons, thereby unveiling the secret that their presence on Earth was supposed to be.

There goes national security.

Except, apparently, it’s too early in the morning for vibrantly yellow alien robots blasting the top floor of a house off, and a squad of blaring cop cars, to wake up anybody in Sam’s neighborhood, so the secret’s still safe.

Unfortunately for our young heroes, the Decepticon Transformer Soundwave never sleeps.

The satellite is far above the earth, monitoring transmissions from the one robot Bumblebee failed to blast, who alerts Soundwave that Sam’s girl accidentally has the shard of the Cube that started the whole mess.

As can be expected, the N.E.S.T-Decepticon incursion caused a tremendous amount of collateral damage in the sovereign nation of China (Shanghai).

Shhh…keep your voice down

In response, the U.S. government executes a bit of a clamp-down on N.E.S.T operations, by sending in a liaison with full access to classified info to get to the bottom of what the new threat might be.

We learn that the Autobots are on Earth by virtue of an agreement with the government to share their technology; everything but their advanced weaponry, for obvious reasons.

Despite the understandable intentions of the government wanting to know what the heck is going on, the National Security Advisor sent to act as liaison is a buffoon; in one fell swoop, he tells the monitoring Soundwave (who has broken into a military satellite to pick up communications) everything the Decepticons want to know, from the secret location of Megatron, to the secret location of the Shard, all while admonishing the gathered military intelligence on their intelligence.

We can probably assume that Autobot technology had prevented them from breaking into human computer networks with the same ease they had displayed in Transformers 2007, so hacking was out-of-the-question.

Cut to Sam going to college. Here we learn that, as suspected, complete secrecy regarding the Transformers was never going to succeed. Sam’s roommate, Leo, is a bit of a tech-savvy college kid who runs an undercover online operation that uncovers weird video of alleged alien activity covered-up by the government. Sam, of course, can’t comment (the government is paying his college tuition, among other things, for his help in keeping the Transformers’ presence quiet).

Not quite sure how you prepare for this…

As the comic relief returns with Sam’s mother high on Marijuana-cookies and acting like a general buffoon on a college campus, we spy an attractive girl who comes out of nowhere and seems to key in on Sam, to the exclusion of all else.

While the fun and games are going along in Transformers Revenge of the Fallen, elsewhere, in low-Earth orbit, the satellite-Decepticon Soundwave unleashes a canister all the way to the ground, which unfurls into the panther-like Transformer called Ravage.

Ravage lands near the location where the big-mouthed National Security Advisor unknowingly told Soundwave, when he spilled the beans and the communication was picked up.

Ravage unleashes a fantastic, almost two-dimensional acolyte named Frenzy to sneak into the base and steal the Shard. Although a military strike team convenes quickly, responding to the base alert system, Ravage is a beast and they make their escape, Shard in hand.

Back to Sam, whose parents have left by now. He is at a party with his techie roommates, and runs into the strange girl who had suddenly appeared out of nowhere earlier.

If it looks too good to be true; it probably is.

This happens while he is having a very strange episode of seeing alien symbols and drawing them on a table with cake-icing – the piece of Allspark he found in his bag has clearly done something to him; he quickly snaps out of it as the girl starts coming on to him.

To say that she is aggressive would be an understatement; as she practically throws herself at Sam, even jumping into his car when Bumblebee shows up unexpectedly, trying to warn Sam of trouble (likely, that the Shard was stolen by the Decepticons).

Bumblebee seems to suspect that something is wrong with the girl, and resorts to trying to get her out of the car, finally succeeding by spraying motor oil in her face. As we will learn later –and it’s gonna sound real harsh to say this now – but Bumblebee should have killed “her” then and there.

Bumblebee escorts Sam to a secret meeting with Optimus Prime, who voices his concerns about the theft of the spark by the Decepticons, and the fragile trust between humans and Transformers.

He needs Sam to bring the dire situation to his leaders, lest they make the ultimate mistake of asking the Autobots to leave the Earth, believing that they are the reason Decepticons keep popping up.

Sam, in a rather un-heroic turn, wants nothing to do with so grand a responsibility, stating that he just wants to be a college kid with college problems. With the characteristically brilliant words for which he is known, Optimus states:

“Sam, fate rarely calls upon us at a moment of our choosing.”

But; to no avail.

Far away, the National Security Advisors loose lips are still having repercussions, as the second secret he blithered is acted upon by a cadre of Decepticons, on their way deep into the ocean to liberate Megatron, himself. With the secret location uncovered, things just go from ‘bad to worse’, to from bad to worst.

Megs reborn

The squadron of evil robots swims down faster than any man-made object and, in the looming shadow of the Decepticon Long Haul; the Doctor Decepticon orders the gathered to kill the smallest of their number in order to provide the extra mass needed to reform their departed leader.

Doc plunges the Ravage-corralled Shard into forlorn form before him, and with a burst of rarefied energy, the Lord High Protector of a Cybertron of long, long ago is revived! Mighty Megatron lives again.

Wasting no time, Megatron plunges upward through the deep ocean and into the sky, transforming into the only time we will see him in one of his fabulous alternate modes (Megatron is an extremely rare triple-changer; whereas most of the large Transformers can switch to one other mode, Megatron can switch to both a Cybertronian tank, and an interstellar starship).

Opting for the interstellar ship, the Lord Decepticon careens into the depths of space, landing on what appears to be a moon of the planet Jupiter, in a cave where the conniving Starscream awaits, his temporary rule at a resolute end.

A startling new development transpires in the caves of a moon of Jupiter, as we learn that Megatron actually serves another, even more powerful being – The Fallen that the departed Demolishor spoke of! Apparently, there was a plan all along of retaking the Earth, using an army of “hatchlings” beings spawned in weird, Energon blue-liquid eggs to maturity.

The Fallen stands up sometimes. Skillz!

The Fallen fills us in on the little we know about the history of the Transformers on Earth. Apparently, the evil robots were him and his brethren, who were ravaging humanity until they were defeated by the predecessors of Optimus – the Primes.

We also learn that the weird symbols Sam was spewing out at the frat party before the attempted molestation of him by the seductress were none other than the essence of the AllSpark, itself; unbeknownst to Sam and the rest of the Autobots, the boy hero of Earth is now the prime (ha, ha) target of the Decepticons.

After a hilarious scene of a mental-breakdown-equivalent in his physics class, in which Sam’s mind is usurped by the Allspark’s influence again, and he reads a 900 page physics text in 30 seconds (no easy feat I tell ya) and is kicked out of class for trying to “prove Einstein was wrong” (impossible; incomplete, maybe – but definitely not wrong, given the very real advancements made because of his Relativity theories).

He calls Mikaela back home and we learn that there is yet another piece of the Allspark on her person, unbeknownst to her. Also unbeknownst to her, the lone RC Decepticon that Bumblebee missed has been tailing her, looking for an opportunity to obtain Shard. She manages to stop and contain the inept evil-doer.

Now that’s a bullet.

After a short and exhilarating excursion to the Autobots rolling to respond to the now-uncovered Decepticon threat, we find ourselves back at Sam’s college.

The weird girl with the hots for Sam, whom Bumblebee had all but ejected (wait for it) out of his car the first time around, is on a mission to find our boy hero.

She – her name is Alice – finds a frantic and manic Sam in his dorm room with alien symbols written on the wall; all the Allspark mathematics in his mind on the walls of his room.

Alice is – gulp – very special. As she “pretends” to seduce a resistant Sam on his bed, we are horrified to see a metallic, prehensile tail snake out from underneath a dress that was much too short anyway.

Mikaela, who was on her way to surprise Sam, sees Alice on top of her boyfriend, and almost leaves him, until she opens the door to see that Alice isn’t a girl at all, but a class of Decepticon called a Pretender, who are capable of transforming into convincing biological renditions of humans, complete with fleshy exoskeleton.

Mikaela, during the escape from this abomination, manages to destroy Alice the Pretender. Unfortunately, they are all caught by Blackout and escorted to an abandoned warehouse, where Starscream and Megatron await with the Doctor to extract the Allspark information from Sam’s brain – without aid of anesthetic, as you can imagine.

At the last minute, Optimus comes blazing from the sky, blasting Starscream and Megatron out of the way as Bumblebee manages to extract the almost-unlucky three (Sam, Mikaela and Sam’s roommate Leo) out of harm’s way. Despite our earlier claim of not seeing Megatron’s alt-modes anymore, we do catch a one-second glimpse of his Cybertronian tank-mode as he gives chase after the Autobots and their charge.

“I’ll take you all on!”

It is instructive to note that Optimus is simply a different breed of fighter, as befits his stature as a former gladiator in the early days of dead Cybertron, before he ruled the world jointly with (gasp!) Megatron, before the latter became so power-hungry it consumed him.

Prime kicks Starscream’s ass as though he were a normal jet, and not the air-superiority fighter that all other Autobots fear him as. Only Megatron, it seems, has a chance against his martial-art level of skill.

The CGI graphics used in the coming battle will likely be a standard by which to be measured for years; although at the pace at which things move in the movies these days, maybe merely a couple of months!

In an exhilarating battle scene, Sam (who is escaping in Optimus’ truck mode) and Mikaela and Leo are in Bumblebee, are ejected by the Autobot leader as Megatron is upon them. He crashes into Optimus to engage, once again, the only Transformers that has ever beaten him.

Mikaela and Leo are well on their way out of harm’s way in the extra-quick Bumblebee Camaro GT; besides, the looming Decepticons don’t particularly care about them anyway – its Sam they’re after. Optimus manifests that indomitable will and fighting chops once again, taking the battle to Megatron and winning round-after-round, all the while yelling at a fleeing Sam to run faster, while keeping the attention of the rapidly-converging Decepticons.

3 Cans of Whup-ass^TM coming right up!

In Transformers Revenge of the Fallen, Grindor and Starscream descend ominously on the scene, tossing evergreens aside like toothpicks in the alternately dense and open forest.

The grimly one-sided battle begins, and they commence to work Optimus Prime over.

For a short time, the three Decepticons – Megatron, Starscream, and Grindor beat the brakes off Optimus; but he is not a Prime for any reason.

A beating that would have downed any other Autobot seems to renew him, and his resurgence is brilliant to behold.

In a scene straight out of Enter the Dragon, Optimus Prime unleashes five things all at the same time: his dual Energon blades – charged to a thousand degrees of relentless cutting ability – and three cans of whup-ass. He batters Megatron, mangles Starscream’s right arm, and flat-out kills Grindor with the patented “Optimus Prime Demolishor” move – by erasing his face.

It seems like the battle with the three toughest Decepticons is over, and will go down in history as the greatest single display of Autobot combat skills on Earth. Until Megatron, who is nearly as resilient as Optimus, stabs him through the back during a moment of frantic worry as Optimus calls out for Sam. Sadly, Megatron’s huge pincer has an added attribute: there is an ion cannon in the middle.

When a roaring inferno pours through the wound, we know that the Decepticon leader has pulled the trigger, and that not even Optimus Prime can survive a blow like that. Planets away, The Fallen ignores his name and rises, apparently aware that the last Prime is dead.

The rest of the Autobots – finally! – arrive and keep the injured Decepticons Megatron and Starscream at bay, with Ratchet, Skids and Mudflap (the illiterate Autobots) and Ironhide at full power, while Bumblebee gathers Sam and they all make their escape. Optimus lies fallen in the forest, that great light gone out.

After Kal-El, Optimus may very well be the most noble alien of them all.

Although the last Prime is dead, Megatron and Starscream are defeated.

Sam, the final key to the Allspark and the last remaining gigantic source of Energon that The Fallen needs to feed and grow the army of Hatchlings, has escaped and is in the safety of the Autobot bastion.

A furious Megatron signals the space-borne Soundwave to release a massive signal alerting all the Decepticons to descend to Earth, from whatever planets and moons on which they reside.

The world becomes frighteningly aware of the threat, as the skies alight with the fire of Transformer Protoforms in atmospheric entry.

The Decepticons commandeer a TV station and broadcast their brutal version of America’s Most Wanted, revealing themselves to the world, and the threat they pose unless the people of Earth hand over Sam Witwicky.

In a telling scene that captures the magnitude of the situation that faces humanity, a helicopter brings the prone form of Optimus Prime and drops it gently at the air base, with humans and Autobots gathered around.

The National Security Advisor arrives and disbands N.E.S.T, by way of presidential order. It appears that the government is considering actually finding and handing Sam over. The situation is bleak, to say the least…

In a moment of delayed epiphany, Sam realizes that the Cybertronian signals on his arm and in his mind are a map to a source of Energon. Leo, his roommate from those days of college which seem so far away now, may just have saved the day: computer techie that he is, he knows of a brilliant behind-the-scenes techie that has always broken through his security.

He leads Sam to him….and in the surprise of the movie, Robowarrior is none other than the former head of the super-secret Sector 7, Agent Simmons! He helps figure it all out! Surprise! Surprise!

After a rather bumpy reunion, the Warrior Goddess – Sam’s girlfriend, Mikaela – remembers the Decepticon she has had stuffed in a box this whole time. They bring him out, and he recognizes the writing on Sam as the ancient Language of the Primes; and, while he can’t read it, he knows who can: so-called Seekers, who are extremely ancient Transformers that stayed behind in their alt-modes, never transforming. They must find one if they want to read the clues to where the Energon is.

Turncoat. He’s a beast anyway

It turns out that a once-mighty Seeker is in the Air & Space Museum. An SR-71 Blackbird is located and is enabled to transform with the piece of the Shard.

Sam draws the symbols that dominate his mind in the dirt, and without warning, Jetfire suddenly recalls his purpose and opens a Space Bridge (goddamn it’s good to be a Decepticon…even though he switched to the Autobots millennia ago).

It transports the crew of humans and Autobots to Egypt, to the desert, where the original Seven Primes built a Solar Harvester that destroys Suns to make Energon.

With a single rule – don’t ever destroy an inhabited planet – one would think it would have been easy to follow. But alas; there are psychopaths even amongst aliens, it would seem.

One of their number tried to take Earth’s Sun, and he was banished out of their elite group; he became The Fallen. In characteristic psychopathic fashion, The Fallen couldn’t admit he was wrong, and directed his hatred at humanity.

Unfortunately for him, his brother Prime’s were creatures of astounding nobility, and defeated him in combat to take the Matrix of Leadership, which was the only key that could start up the Solar Harvester.

In a lasting act for the ages, they then resolved to keep the Matrix out of the Fallen’s hands forever, and used their nearly-invulnerable bodies to seal a room in which they placed the Matrix, which then melted perfectly into the surroundings, never – presumably – to be found. This act willfully cost them their lives.

“When Dawn alights the Dagger’s Tip,

Three Kings Will Reveal the Doorway”

Sam realizes – boy; when they come, they come in bunches, apparently – that the same key that can power the Solar Harvester should be able to bring Optimus Prime back to life; this latter is imperative, as only a Prime can defeat The Fallen. Which just absolutely sucks, if there aren’t any more around. So they must find the Matrix before The Fallen and the Decepticons do.

Using the map in his mind, Sam and crew depart from Jetfire to locate the Dagger’s Tip and find the doorway. Using three kings. It’s quite a bit past dawn though.

Ugly mug. Don’t say it to his face, though.

Unfortunately, the three kings aren’t discovered soon enough.

The merry crew is spotted at a checkpoint camera, with facial recognition alerting both the CIA and the Decepticons as to their whereabouts.

Soundwave picks up the transmission and they are en route.

Luckily, so are the Marines; and, they’re bringing Optimus’ body (Sam and Agent Simmons had clandestinely contacted them, letting them know they needed Optimus’ dead body).

Solving the poem using the alignment of the rising sun and the Pyramids, our unlikely crew of heroes finds the Tomb of Primes, only to have the ages-old Matrix crumble in Sam’s hands. He resolutely gathers up the dust in a bag, in time for the cavalry’s arrival.

If Megatron is Zeus, then I’m a Titan. What.

Everything’s an all-you-can-eat affair

The general formerly in charge of NEST has flown the NEST crew, Autobots and all, along with Optimus Prime’s body, to the Egyptian desert.

Here, they are almost immediately set-upon by a rampaging Starscream, who is firing hunter seeker missiles from the sky.

Right behind him is Megatron and the Decepticon horde; it looks like the Egyptian desert, at the base a Pyramid, is where humanity’s fate will be decided.

The assault begins, to keep Sam from getting the Matrix to revive Optimus.

In one long and ferocious transformation, we see fully five Decepticons come together to form what is easily the largest Decepticon seen in Revenge of the Fallen yet: Devastator. It is so huge, it can’t even stand fully upright, weighted down by its massive torso.

While it’s busy wrapping up what appears to be a tedious process, we switch to Sam and Mikaela, who appear to be trapped inside a dilapidated building, with the Decepticons Ravage, Starscream and another right outside. Damn. They’re pretty serious about him not getting to Optimus Prime. We strongly suspect that if it wasn’t in the script that Sam would make it, he’d be toast.

Back to Devastator; we’re wondering what something this big can do, when it manifests what, in hindsight as well as at the moment, is a very effective power: an irresistible vortex, in which he employs a fusion-powered whirlwind to suck everything into its giant maw. That power, predictably, will almost be it’s undoing, courtesy of a jive-talking robot that, along with it’s brother, surprisingly weren’t the first things to die in Revenge of the Fallen.

Impressive? Just remember – Bumblebee beat his ass.

Sam and Mikaela are somehow – while running, no less – escaping Decepticons that have the ability to fly and drive. It is now clear that our young hero’s greatest weapon is the script.

In an unforeseen twist, the Decepticons have brought Sam’s parents to the Egyptian battlefield, in order to use them as bait to make him relinquish the Matrix.

On the surface, the decision seems simple: give me my parents and I’ll give you the means by which to destroy the whole Solar System.

You’ve got to love robot-reasoning. The trap appears to work; but, alas; Rampage (one of the Constructicons, who come together to form Devastator) isn’t focusing his sensory devices behind him, where Bumblebee is waiting behind a building.

Displaying some Optimus-Prime-like fighting skills, Bumblebee lays the smack-down on Rampage, stomping his mug into the hard desert rock.

Then they went and made him drop down his battle mask, and Bumbles really started rolling; he killed Ravage with his bare hands, by pulling Soundwave’s pet’s spine out from its body.

Not through with the executioners move, he then pulled Rampage’s arms apart the robot’s torso, killing it. For a second there, we thought maybe Bumble’s guns didn’t work. Whatever you do, don’t play tug-of-war with Bumblebee Transformer.

Elsewhere, Agent Simmons – actually, he should have been referred to as former Agent Simmons throughout; but with what he’s about to do, we won’t nitpick about titles – can’t seem to shake his duties as a citizen of the United States of America, and crawls up the pyramid that Devastator is climbing up, in order to mark his position with a radio signal. In the first weapon designed by humans that actually looks like it could give a Transformer a run for its money, Simmons calls upon a Captain of a Destroyer ship to launch a classified railgun projectile at Devastator.

Dope name…suspect game. He went down pretty easily – Jetfire rules!

Sam and Mikaela are unable to find a Transformer to drive them through the desert to reach the body of Optimus Prime, and so are running and dodging fire from all sides.

They nearly meet their Makers at the hand of the brutish Mixmaster Decepticon, who is little more than a bevy of shields and a very big gun. This thing takes out tanks.

And unfortunately, it seems like the other Autobots have their hands full with other Decepticons.

Thankfully, the faint steel glint of an SR-71 Blackbird is seen on the horizon…and it gets closer in the blink of an eye.

Jetfire careens out of the sky to engage Mixmaster; the old warrior makes quick work of the seemingly formidable opponent – rather like an old boxer making mincemeat of a young street-thug.

Unfortunately, the old warrior forgets to watch his back, and takes a mortal blow from Scorponok, whom he manages to smash to death even as his own vitals begin to pour forth from his chassis.

Agent Simmons marks his position close to Devastator Transformer, and calls for the rain. The railgun is launched at the digging Devastator, who is uncovering the Solar Harvester from the Pyramid of Gaza. It hits him with what looks like a blast from Optimus, himself, and puts the monster down for good.

It isn’t so good for Sam, the human hero. As the crew makes its trek across the desert to the body of the last good Prime, Megatron unleashes a fury of blue flame too close to the fragile human body that belongs to use all, and Sam takes a hit that is inadvisable for the human frame. He cartwheels lifeless through the air, fatefully landing beside the forlorn body of a kindred spirit in Optimus Prime. He is unresponsive to all attempts at revival.

The mightiest of them all. The Primes

Daylight, as in a dream.

Or, is it a dream? Sam is unhurt and upright and in the midst of an unreachable valley, with several mighty forms speaking to him of sacrifice and honor and the Prime Way.

It is the Valley of the Primes, and he learns their last secret regarding the Matrix of Leadership: even had the Decepticons found it, they would not have been able to use it, for it is not found; it is earned.

Their great magic had imbued it with a lasting property not so unlike the enchantment that binds Thor’s hammer, Mjolnir – only the worthy can lift it.

He is granted leave to return from this dimensional rift, back to the land of the corporeal living, and told to fulfill his destiny: merging the Matrix with the Spark of Optimus Prime.

In Transformers Revenge of the Fallen, Sam returns, and the Matrix reforms from the millions of particles of dust in the bag. He climbs the still form of the mighty Prime, and tabs him with the Matrix, reviving the great Autobot Leader.

No sooner than he does this, than one of those annoying space-bridges opens, and The Fallen descends to snatch the Matrix from Prime’s grasp; disappearing with the same suddenness with which he manifested, back to the start the Solar Harvester. A seriously-wounded but gallant Jetfire remarks in awe that a living Prime still exists.

Whoa.

The Fallen alights atop the Harvester and ignites it with the Matrix, starting the process that will eat our Sun.

In a final heroic act, Jetfire wrenches out his own heart, telling Optimus Prime to take his parts to experience “a power that he has never known”.

The Transformer Jolt becomes instrumental here, using his electrified cables to transfer Jetfire’s formidable parts to Optimus, who experiences a transformation that tops even Devastator’s.

In this form, he takes to the sky like some kind of Autobot demigod, to engage the impenetrable defenses of the Fallen, who is gathered there with Megatron.

A truly magnificent Optimus is the only form that can break through the Fallen’s defenses; he destroys the Harvester with one blast from his kiloton ion blaster.

This sends all three Transformers to the ground below the pyramid. Megatron, The Fallen and Optimus are now in full battle-heat.

In a move that reminds us of Optimus’ very effective penchant for taking faces; he blasts half of Megatron’s mug off, pretty much eliminating him from this particular fight.

Surprisingly, the Fallen doesn’t fare all that much better than his servant; Optimus totally destroys him, to the tune of his most famous war-cry: “One Shall Rise, and One Shall Fall!”

This guy’s always inspiring. Warrior-born, warrior-bred; there would be no revenge of the Fallen on Optimus Prime’s watch.

Autobots victorious! Or so it seems…

Heralded by the most loyal Transformers fans to date (most of them hate Michael Bay’s current rendition of the Transformers) as the greatest cartoon movie ever, Transformers the Movie (1986) was brutally brilliant in how it spared no expense in the Autobot/Decepticon battle.

Not a single Transformer was safe from potential demise – not even fan favorites.

In particular, watching it is a must for the younger generation of today that has only seen Optimus Prime through Michael Bay’s eyes, and has yet to see how the Transformers truly ended up in the original series.

Here, we have a complete summary of Transformers the Movie, from the opening scene to the final!

Transformers The Movie Summary

Unicron’s idea of an all-you-can-eat buffet

A large, distinctly alien ship approaches a planet bustling with activity, to begin the veritable cult classic that is Transformers The Movie (1986).

The scenes of mechanical life show a civilization devoted not just to science, but to cultural prosperity.

Little do the inhabitants know that all this is about to come to a terrifying end, for as the ship gets closer, we are able to gauge its massive perspective: amazingly, it is larger than the planet, itself.

The planetary-scale Transformer is Unicron, and is to the planet-bound Transformers, what the bogeyman is to Earthlings; except with one difference: Unicron is very real.

In the middle of his incredible form lies a glowing tractor-beam, which wrenches the very structure of the planet it’s approaching into its belly, taking buildings, robots and spaceships attempting a hasty escape. It draws them inexorably into Unicron’s maw, until the very foundation of the dying planet, itself, is crushed by metallic teeth bigger than most moons.

Nothing is spared.

Inside of the merciless machine, lasers and crushing teeth grind up the mass, using it power the machine in its trek through space. Our first introduction to the largest Transformer of them all is mind-numbing.

The Decepticon Menace in Transformers the Movie

Cybertron – where trees went out of style

Enter the Transformer home world of Cybertron, where the captive good robots (the Autobots) are currently under rule by the bad robots (the Decepticons).

However, not all of the Autobot robots have completely succumbed; a heroic few plan and scheme on secret staging grounds on two nearby moons.

Looking nothing like Michael Bay’s 2007 live-action film Transformers, the mighty Ironhide and Optimus Prime are posted up in a computer room on one of the moons of Cybertron, watching Decepticon actions through their screens.

The decision to embark on a dangerous trek to the planet is made, as the Autobots need more of the Transformers’ life-blood (a source of energy called Energon, which powers them and their machines and cities) if they ever wish to launch a full-scale assault on Cybertron, in an attempt to wrest control back from the Decepticons.

Optimus Prime, a human ally named Spike (Transformers The Movie was a continuation of the Transformers cartoon series, which had been running for quite some time by then; human beings and Transformers were very much involved in each other’s affairs) the Autobots Jazz, Bumblebee and Ironhide commence to undertake the trip planet-side.

Before this happens though, we see a Decepticon spy named Laserbeak, take off from the dark side of the moon and proceed to report back to the Decepticons.

Laserbeak had been listening to their plans the entire time, and we can reasonably assume  that he’s on the way to inform his crew that the Autobots are making a run at resources.

Battle aboard-ship

The Decepticon spy Laserbeak, with its dragon-like form, also transforms into a tape cassette that can be played back by the Decepticon Soundwave. Unbeknownst to the Autobots, the Decepticons are now expecting their arrival.

Wasting virtually no time, as soon as Laserbeak and Soundwave finish playing back the plans of Optimus Prime and crew for the gathered Decepticons, they meet Bumblebee’s ship en route and tear through its hull, gaining entry.

The first battle has begun, and Megatron transforms into his special alt-mode, which consists of a huge cannon that Starscream has to fire to work.

Here, we see that despite his unquestioned leadership among the Decepticons, Megatron needs Starscream (his first lieutenant, since the controlling Megatron could never bestow a title such as “second-in-command” to anyone) in order to effectively fight in battle, using his strongest weapon.

The first noticeable thing in the battle is that the Autobots don’t seem capable of the same level of accuracy as the Decepticons.

Indeed; the former are mowed down with no losses on the side of evil, despite the numbers being similar.

The victorious Decepticons then take control of the Autobot ship, and now have the perfect cover for an assault on their moon bases.

There’s a shift to a scene of tranquility, with the Autobot Hotrod fishing with a human boy named Daniel, who is the son of Spike, on Moon Base Two (must be a VERY big moon, as there are trees, lakes and an atmosphere), oblivious to the oncoming storm.

The good old days…

They are made aware of the returning shuttle and rush to meet its fascinating landing from a high vantage point called Lookout Mountain.

Daniel is the first to notice something awry when he spots a hole in the underbelly of the returning ship.

Hotrod, wise to the persistent Decepticon threat, immediately deduces that there are no friendlies aboard-ship, and opens fire with his arm-mounted cannons in a somewhat foolish move, considering that he is now drawing fire to a small ledge on which there is a child.

But hey; it’s a cartoon movie, and military tactics probably weren’t a high priority. Nonetheless; Hotrod appears to be the first Transformer that can aim – he actually blows up the ship!

The Decepticons, who’ve always had the significant advantage of flying alt-modes – as opposed to the ground-bound characteristic alt-modes of the Autobots – escape the exploding wreckage and take to the skies under their own power, firing at Hot Rod and Autobot city as they swoop to the ground.

In the ensuing battle, Hotrod and another Autobot team up to destroy two Decepticons before burning rubber (with the boy Daniel in tow, of course) to Autobot city, where it is obvious the bulk of the Decepticon threat has taken the fight.

Autobot city under seige

Autobot City is under heavy attack, and the Autobots Ultra Magnus, Perceptor, RC (the first visible female robot-warrior), Blurr, Springer and Blaster form a rush together to plan a counterattack consisting of alerting Optimus Prime for reinforcements, transforming Autobot City, itself, and engaging the Decepticon menace to hold them off for the time being.

Under heavy bombardment from Starscream, Autobot City is transformed into a nigh-impenetrable fortress, with heavy metal doors closing over vulnerable parts.

The Decepticons, however, seem prepared for this, and have brought along the Insecticons, a branch of bad Transformers that are capable of eating through anything.

Even as they begin to rapidly chew through the walls, Hot Rod, Daniel and another Autobot use the holes they made to get into Autobot City, destroying the Insecticons in the process.

As the battle rages on, with a protected Autobot City under bombardment by the entire force of present Decepticons, the Autobot Blaster tries to send a message of help to Optimus Prime, who is on Moon Base One. Unfortunately, on the orders of Megatron, his minions attack the exposed transmission tower, breaking in and attempting to intercept Blaster’s call for help.

Although Perceptor aids Blaster in fending off the marauding foes, they fear the message may not have gotten through to Prime, and the antenna is now destroyed Blaster was using to amplify his alt-mode was destroyed by Ravage (a minion of the Decepticon Soundwave).

As bad as he wants to be. In any generation.

Blurr, RC, and a few of the other Autobots on Moon Base One continue fighting the assembled Decepticons; the situation progresses to looking even more hopeless as the enemy releases the Constructicons – five individual Decepticons that come together to form the huge and mighty Devastator Transformer.

Far bigger than even Megatron, Devastator has the strength to simply beat through reinforcements of Autobot City, and further, is invulnerable enough to withstand their best missiles and cannons.

The situation is bleak, as this ultimate robot weapon rends the Cybertronian metal walls apart and exposes the inside of the city.

Help could not arrive any later, as Optimus Prime’s arrival affirms that Blaster’s last-ditch transmission reached Moon Base 2.

Approaching in a ship full of reinforcements, the first Autobots Prime releases into the midst of the battle are the Dinobots, which are four Transformers that have a very special purpose: they can transform into gigantic robot counters to Devastator.

The Dinobots succeed in temporarily downing Devastator, as Optimus joins the battle in full form, shrugging off blasts while forging ahead. Showing that awesome fighting ability for which he was known in Michael Bay’s modern incarnation of the Transformers, Optimus downs upwards of 6 Decepticons all by himself by the time he lands! They are all cannon-fodder on his way to meet his arch nemesis Megatron in single combat.

The best that ever did it.

The tide of battle ebbs back and forth between the evenly-matched adversaries, with Prime finally gaining the upper hand.

Megatron pleads for his life, giving Prime just enough pause for the Decepticon leader to grab a nearby hidden cannon, with which he shoots the great Prime several times, finally felling him.

As he goes in for the killing shot, Optimus gives one last valiant blow, sending an already battered Megatron to his near-death far below.

He would have died, if left to Starscream, who kicked the greatly-weakened Decepticon leader, but loyal Soundwave would not abandon him, and carried Megatron with him in the Decepticon retreat. As fate would have it, Optimus would succumb to his wounds; but not before passing the Autobot Matrix of Leadership on to Ultra Magnus.

The fleeing Decepticons make their way to Cybertron, but not before the overburdened spaceship demands that they jettison some weight. True to evil-robot-form, Starscream dumps the injured bodies of his Decepticon brothers (after a vote to let survival-of-the-fittest decide who remains). Starscream even dumps Megatrons still-alive form out into the vagaries of space, despite his pleas.

Gulp.

Despite the vastness of the interstellar medium, Megatron and the remaining battered Decepticons are spotted by a lurking Unicron, who uses that fearsome tractor beam to pull them in, stopping short when his circuits identify the one defiant robot as Megatron.

After much haranguing, Unicron offers – more like demands – that Megatron seek out and destroy the Autobot Matrix of Leadership, in return for a new and more powerful body named Galvatron, as well as new troops and accessories to aid him.

With their newfound armor, weapons, spaceship and purpose, Galvatron and crew take to the planet Cybertron.

Galvatron arrives in the midst of Starscreams coronation, where Galvatron wastes little time turning into an even more powerful variant of the cannon he transformed into as Megatron, and blasting Starscream into oblivion and death.

The momentarily stunned Decepticons quickly regain their composure (and sense), and the cry goes up in unison: “Long live Galvatron!”

This and many such scenes is why Transformers the Movie is such a bada$$ film – major characters bit the dust in it.

Unicron apparently has little confidence in his minions, as in the next scene, he is seen attacking Moon Base One, apparently killing Cliffjumper and more than a few other Autobots in its giant metallic maw. The fate of the others is unknown at the moment.

Unicron unbound – he’s a big sucker

About the same time in another sector, Galvatron and crew are attacking the Autobots on the remaining Moon base; they are able to escape the initial bombardment by boarding the shuttle and blasting off the planet.

Galvatron, however, isn’t to be dissuaded so easily, and the Decepticons give chase.

With few options remaining, the avenue with the most reasonable chance of escape for the Autobots is to detach the ship once the Decepticons fire on it, giving the appearance of their demise, while, in fact, 25% of the ship leaves the blast zone relatively unscathed.

It works; Galvatron is certain that they’ve all been killed; Ultra Magnus with the Autobot Matrix of Leadership, as well. It is not so, and the Autobots land on a nearby planet for repairs.

It turns out that Hot Rod and the grizzled veteran Autobot aren’t dead, but escaped Unicron’s tractor beam and landed on a planet full of robot piranhas and other earth-inspired metallic constructs.

Whether or not they will be rescued or meet up with the remaining Autobots of their own accord, is to be seen, in this movie with so many Autobot deaths.

worlds apart…

On separate worlds, the two different Autobot factions take steps to repair themselves.

Hot Rod puts Gar back together again, and Ultra Magnus, RC and others encounter more than they bargained for in an alien scrap heap.

Indeed; the same thing happens to Hot Rod and Gar on their alien planet, where they are taken captive for not giving enough gifts (you’ve got to see it to believe it).

Back to the other crew of Autobots, even as they’re repairing their ship with scrap metal from the planet Junk, they are attacked by Decepticons, who’d been given their location by Unicron.

The blitz destroys the damaged ship completely, and Galvatron hunts down Ultra Magnus and actually kills him, taking the Autobot Matrix of Leadership as Magnus explodes. With it, he voices his plan to enslave Unicron, itself.

Back on the hostile planet, Hot Rod and Gup are sentenced to death-by-mechanical shark.

They manage to hold off these monstrosities for a time, but are eventually overwhelmed and nearly meet their demise, until the great Dinobots enter and completely turn the tide of battle.

You have broccoli between your teeth.

There is finally some good news for this merry band of separated bots, as they are able to corral a spaceship with the help of a new robot friend, Wheelie who’d also been stuck on the same planet (who looks nothing like the modern movie version).

They finally reunite with the other Autobots by flying to them, just in time to aid in battle against yet another hostile alien species of robots.

A changing of hands of some Energon from Hot Rod to the leader of the aliens not only settles all notions of battle between them, but the aliens also revive Ultra Magnus!

The Autobots should have brought Optimus Prime’s body with them…Nonethless, despite the merry cheers, the Autobot Matrix of Leadership is still gone, and they resolve to go find Unicron and stop him from destroying Cybertron.

Transformers the Movie is taking an ever-darker turn as heroes fall and monsters rise unchallenged. Will there be no one to stop Galvatron and his liege Unicron?

Are you by any chance related to Galactus?

We find Galvatron gloating and reveling in his glory, standing before Unicron and threatening him with the Autobot Matrix, which was the only thing Unicron seemed to fear throughout the movie.

Much to Galvatron’s surprise, Unicron transformed in response, becoming an impossibly-scaled robot and smashing down on the cities and structures of Cybertron.

The response is futile, as the Decepticon blasts bounce off ineffectively against the gigantic robot.

The Autobots arrive in their ship and are swallowed by Unicron, jist as the Decepticons were.

Inside of the giant space-robot Unicrons belly, there are all sort of trouble from the many species native to his mouth and belly.

While fending them off, young Daniel (donning a Transformers fighting suit and into Spike and HotRod) finally finds his father and the other Autobots that were swallowed by the Decepticon ship after the destruction of Moon Base 1.

All this time, they had been held captive inside the belly of the beast, and readied for a dip into acid as a final goodbye. But Daniel was able to use his Transformers the Movie exoskeleton suit to blast the vat of killer fluid closed, saving both his long-missing father Spike and HotRod.

Battle scenes between Galvatron and Hot Rod are next, as well as the DinoBots attacking Unicron.

Grimlock. Killer of Decepticons.

The Dinobots have consistently shown the ability to break through very tough hide that holds up even against cannon-blasts; and, this is no different: the DinoBot Grimlock succeeds in tearing a gash into Unicron first.

The rest of the Dino Bots follow, but realize that even though they can hurt Unicron, he is simply too big for this course of action to be efficient. They fly off to regroup.

The fight between Galvatron and Hot Rod is pivotal, and the upper hand shifts between the two.

Galvatron eventually looks to deliver the finishing move by strangling Hot rod to death…but then; something strange happens:

Hot Rod is able to activate the Autobot Matrix of Leadership he’s been holding all this time, and it turns him into Rhodimus Prime, making him more powerful than Galvatron, whom he literally throws off the planet and into space.

It becomes clear then that, in Transformers the Movie 1986, the only reason Ultra Magnus was killed by Galvatron (despite holding up the Matrix of Leadership and pleading it to power-up) was because he wasn’t the natural successor to Optimus Prime.

As for Unicron, the end isn’t pretty. As Rhodimus Prime unhinges all the energy of the Autobot Matrix, it bursts through Unicron, tearing many holes into his tough hide.

The Autobots hastily make their way out of the massive planet-eater as the rest of his body succumbs to the primal energies of the Autobot Matrix of Leadership.

The Autobots gather on their planet Cybertron, and scream the Autobot code for all to hear:

The Ultimate Energy Source: radioactive Kool-Aid.

“To all or one!”

The Decepticons are the evil faction of the sentient alien robots known collectively as the Transformers.

Perpetually engaged in struggle with the Autobots, the Decepticons tend to rule the skies, with their alt-forms usually being some flying vehicle or other.

Generally, too, they are larger than the Autobots, and correspondingly stronger.

Decepticons are led (for the most part) by the Transformer Megatron, and are bound to his rule by fear of his power.  As he once told Starscream,

“Even in death, there is no rule but mine!”

Megatron

Lord Megatron.

“Peace through tyranny.”

The Decepticons Transformer Megatron is to the valiant Autobot leader Optimus Prime, as Horus is to Osiris, Thor to Jormmungandr, Odin to Fenris and Satan to God.

A living techno-organic psychopath, he is metallic hatred with fusion cannons and hide nearly  as tough as Ironhide’s, with a deadly, single-minded, all-consuming desire to conquer.

Nothing else pleases him, and all relationships he forges are in the vein of accomplishing this goal.

This utterly dominating purposefulness is often to the exclusion of important details, such as his lack of planning that resulted in a 10-millenia-long sleep entombed in ice when he crashed into the Earth’s Antarctic (in 2007’s Transformers).

As a characteristic of his sociopathy, he would somehow find a way to blame humans for even that.

Given his penchant for violence as a consistent method of resolution, it is not surprising that Megatron generation 1’s alt mode is a fusion cannon, with the sole and inarguable purpose of blasting things apart.

Megatron demoted

Physically, Megatron is an immensely powerful and well-armed Decepticon in his large robot form.

He sports arm-mounted ion cannons, optic laser blasts, energy blasts from his hands, and even separate energy flails along with an Optimus-Prime-like Energon spiked-morningstar.

With such a rampant and evil selfishness, it is no surprise that it’s always Megatron vs just about anything.

With his death at the hands of human Sam Witwicky in 2007’s Transformers, events were set in motion that would even pit Megatron vs Starscream, his first-lieutenant equivalent, who Megatron would accuse of trying to usurp his leadership – despite the fact that it was Starscream who orchestrated his resurrection.

There is no distinction between friend and foe with Megatron, and this penchant is best captured in another one of his brutal sayings:

“Everything is fodder.”

The modern-day form of Megatron retains many of his legendary abilities and personality, dispensing with the less practical ones.

Megatron in Cybertron Tank alt-mode

For example, his ability to turn himself completely into a huge pistol (which, having no means of locomotion, required another Decepticon – usually Starscream – to pick him up and fire him) is gone.

In Transformers 1 and Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen, he merely turns his arm into a large energy-cannon, as well as a jagged-metal crushing weapon.

Additionally, he is able to fly of his own accord, and transform into an alien tank of fearsome proportions.

It is with the energy-cannon, in fact, that he actually kills Optimus Prime, as the rest of his subordinates busied the valiant Autobot leader by attacking him en masse.

Megatron vs Optimus is a recurrent side-theme throughout both movies, and Optimus would have the last word in Revenge of the Fallen, although the fact that he brutalized Megatron – without killing him – ensures that the leader of the Decepticons will likely come storming back in Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon.

There has been some speculation, later confirmed, that many elements of Megatron in Transformers: The Movie were actually taken from the character Galvatron, who was originally the resurrected, even more powerful Megatron, though still possessing many of his weapons and personality (although Galvatron was always considered a lot more unstable than Megatron – death, I imagine, will do that to you). Indeed, Galvatron was from the future in an earlier Transformers storyline comic-book arc, and had actually imprisoned Megatron.

Decepticons: Blackout/Scorponok

Blackout Transformer: the one-bot battalion

“He who cares for the opinions of others is lost.”

Disguised as a heavily-armed, long-range search and rescue Transformers helicopter, Blackout the Decepticon is nothing short of a lumbering battalion in his business-mode.

Dispensing blasts nearly as powerful as Megatron’s own, this hulking Decepticon is destruction incarnate, and is capable – and quite willing, especially at Megatron’s direction – of leveling entire towns with his hemispherical shockwaves.

Further compounding the devastation of which he is capable, Blackout can fire an advanced electromagnetic pulse, rendering even hardened communications inoperative, and thus unable to neither call for backup nor coordinate a counterattack.

Transformers Scorponok on the prowl

The most heavily armed of the Decepticons subordinates of Megatron, Blackout Transformer isn’t easily given to chasing around little humans.

For this endeavor, he exists in symbiosis with a lethal Decepticon called Scorponok, who can detach from Blackout and burrow through ground in pursuit of flesh-and-bone.

Ironically, the Transformers Scorponok would meet his end at the hands of machine (Jet fire Transformer), while Blackout would be killed by the hands of flesh-and-bone.

Barricade

Barricade vs Bumblebee

“To punish and enslave.”

With an alt-mode of a police car, Barricade transformer is clearly as inclined to deceive, as his fellow Decepticons Starscream is to scheme.

Unfortunately for him, Bumble bee Transformer was rarely fooled, and Bee often got the better of his similar-sized adversary.

He failed to make it out of Transformers, and wasn’t seen in Revenge of the Fallen. Suffice it to say that a resurgence in Dark of the Moon is either unlikely, or would likely be inexplicable.

Frenzy

Probably can’t tackle the Windows BSOD

“Sow panic and surrender will bloom.”

Easily the most manic (nonhuman) actor inTransformers 1, Frenzy Transformer surpassed even Sam Witwicky in excitability.

The Decepticon was the resident genius-hacker robot for the evil transformers, capable of seemingly breaking into and subverting any computer system within moments, using technology above and beyond anything that human understanding of Fourier transforms could manage.

Although Frenzy transformer was the smallest of the Decepticons – or maybe, because of this – he was also the most resilient, capable of surviving even decapitation.

This aided his first-rate espionage skills, as he was also capable of assuming a number of small alt-modes, from CD boombox, to Mikaela’s (Sam’s love-interest in Transformers 1) cell-phone (one would think a rather heavy cell-phone, or perhaps a very light boombox).

Frenzy transformer accidentally killed himself  – well, probably – in Transformers 1, but the Decepticons understood the utility of his particular set of skills, and so replaced him with Soundwave’s Ravage transformer.

Scalpel Transformer

Scalpel the Doctor Transformer

“Chop-chop!”

The Decepticons equivalent of Ratchet. No wonder they’re always in such a bad mood, if Scalpel transformer is their medical officer.

Case in point for this Angel of Mercy: in Revenge of the Fallen, when Scalpel Transformer traveled down to the sea bottom with several other Decepticons in order to revive Megatron, he ordered the smallest robot with the group killed.

Why? In order to garner enough parts to undo the damage of Sam Witwicky’s parting shot to the Decepticon leader.

Unscrupulous, to say the least.

The Decepticons Demolishor Demolisher

Quick question: Demolishor, Demolishor – oh how do you stop?

A huge Decepticon by any measuring stick – Demolisher transformer was seen to tower over Optimus in Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen – Demolishor was as dumb as he was powerful.

And boy, was he powerful: his primary attack was to simply crush whatever was in front of him.

All that fearsome power proved to be short-lived, however; unfortunately for the giant Decepticon, he was our first notion that ‘ole Optimus Prime had retained his rather confrontational penchant for blowing the faces off enemy Decepticons.

Decepticons Bonecrusher

Bonecrusher

“Hit it till it stands no taller than dust”

Even more of a brute than Demolishor, Bonecrusher transformer was a mechanical misanthrope, despising just about everything.

Skating on huge wheels – through everything; never around – Bone crusher had fierce machine guns and bulldozer arms to bring to bear on anything in front of him, foe or even friend.

The only thing he did love was probably hate, itself.

Fortunately for him, in Transformers 1, Optimus Prime relieved him of that burden with an unceremonious blast to the face.

Decepticon Grindor

Grindor hunting Optimus

Apparently, Blackout transformer was such a cool Decepticon, they thought they might as well bring him back and rename him Grindor.

An identically loyal, almost servile minion of Megatron, Grindor was every bit as loaded as his predecessor, who took out the entire SOCCENT military base (in Transformers 1, the Decepticons sent Blackout to leech the computers there for information on the whereabouts of Megatron’s body) all by his lonesome.

Not one to conserve firepower, Grindor Transformers’ alt-mode of a Super Stallion helicopter has a lock-on turret that fires four missiles at a time – in case the other three miss, in a typical case of Decepticon reasoning.

Wielding a spitfire Gatling gun the size of those on a Destroyer, and the same energy-shockwave cannon Blackout possessed that leveled football-field-sized areas with a single burst, he sought to take out Optimus in the woods in Revenge of the Fallen, with his fellow Decepticons.

That forest would be his gravesite, as Optimus (yet again – in a disturbing take-no-prisoners trend for the great Prime) took his friggin’ face.

Starscream

“It is my destiny to lead.”

As befits an air-superiority fighter of his magnitude, Starscream rightly considers his sheer power more than a match for most Decepticons. Where he often goes wrong, however, is thinking it’s more than a match for all Decepticons.

He would betray Megatron in an instant, if he could discern that the result favors him exclusively. That notwithstanding, he is somewhat less than content scheming beneath his leader.

Starscream Transformer and Megatron show that it is possible to be evil, and yet immensely different.

Megatron has a form of nobility about his nefarious engagements (i.e allowing a downed opponent to pick up a weapon before shooting him); Starscream, however would use the opponent’s offspring as bait.

His power and intelligence are the only things that cause Megatron to tolerate this scheming bomb, which may one day go off on him for the final time.

Starscream transformers alt-mode is an F-22 Raptor, and he is capable of transforming from this to his robot mode during full-flight for a wider array of his already considerable weaponry.

His ability to fire projectiles that shut down electrical systems is probably deadlier than any cannon to the often airborne enemies he engages.

The Fallen

The Fallen keeps getting back up

In addition to being a bit of a bastard, he is also an example of unfortunate grammar – Mr. The Fallen is a singular character of immense power; so much so that Megatron, himself, readily bows before him. It is doubtful that even Starscream would dream of overthrowing him, however wild his imagination.

Conceived as Megatronus Prime, he is many millions of years old, and in Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen it was shown that he arrived on Earth when we were still cavemen, along with his brothers. Megatron might be the leader of the Decepticons, but the Fallen is their creator.

The Fallen came to Earth in order to build a so-called Solar Harvester, in order to make Energon. There’s a little problem with this device, however; it destroys the star it’s harvesting.

In an act of treachery that would cause even Starscream to cower, The Fallen betrayed his brother Primes, who ultimately chose to sacrifice their bodies in order to form an impenetrable (I guess that was temporary, as Bumble bee blasted it apart millennia later) cocoon in which to hide the Autobot Matrix of Leadership, the key needed to activate the Solar Harvester.

Never mind that there are at least 400 billion stars in our Galaxy alone, for some reason he chose an inhabited one where he would face resistance. Mythological reasoning has always escaped me. But then again, consider an entry from The Fallen’s diary:

“How can the minds of beings that lived for mere moments hope to understand the plans of one who has existed for millennia? I have made moves so subtle that my pawns never suspected they were under my control. Now, at long last, I returned all that does not bow before me will burn before me”.

I submit that even though I smell a red herring, I can’t argue with this. Especially given the transcendent power he displayed in Revenge of the Fallen (i.e; His Revenge). It would take the combined power of Optimus and the deceased Jetfire, in a fantastic alt-mode transformation.

Purists aside, this combo beats Optimus Prime’s semi all to hell. Jetfire’s fuel pack tossed the Autobot leader skyward to face The Fallen boto-a-boto (as opposed to ‘mano-a-mano’), where the Traitor would succumb to Optimus Prime of Iacon.

 Alice (Pretender Transformer)

Alice Transformers – Pretender

Decepticons of the so-called “Pretender” class of transformers, Alice transformer was played by actress Isabel Lucas in Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen.

Incredibly complex, it was able to assume the form of a completely believable (if absurdly aggressive, but not inhumanly so) female college student that wanted everything Sam had to offer.

Much of it things he wouldn’t want to give.  Mikaela took care of that by understandably running over her only competitor with a car.

The transformers 2 Isabel won’t be returning as anything other than a pothole cover in Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon, if at all.

Devastator

There’s always one light-bulb in the box that doesn’t work

“Thinking and winning do not mix.” (err?!)

This dumba$$ (c’mon; look at the above statement) is comprised of between seven and nine Decepticons called Constructicons. Calling Devastator Transformer a dumbass is, however, no slight, for he is every bit as monstrous as he is stupid.

In fact, the latter causes the former; he’s too big for thoughts to travel quickly across his frame..

Far larger than any other Transformer, he is pure physicality, supposedly capable of sucking up anything into his vortex of a mouth, due to an alleged black hole he creates at his center.

But this can’t be the case, since the nonetheless unfortunate transformer Jar-Jar Binks Mudflap was able to hold onto a vortexing Devastator and escape, and not even light can escape from a true black hole – even a little one.

In a move that should bode well for future operations, Devastator transformer was messily dispatched by yours truly – human beings!

Using a rail gun that is actually within current technology, the U.S. Navy violently made him a part of the desert in Revenge of the Fallen.

Decepticon Ravage

Ravage Transformers

Whatever you do, don’t try and pet this guy. He falls from space and lands with no injuries, for starters.

And then, there’s the array of cannons on his haunches.

Lastly, being a sort of robot-lion, this Decepticons cohort of Soundwave can’t be reasoned with, as it’s an animal.

Ravage Transformers is yet another one of the Decepticons infiltration tools, and acts in concert with Soundwave’s ability to electronically subvert nearly any system from space, by physically going to the locations and extracting whatever needs to be extracted.

Although, it’s better to say that’s what he used to do; Bumblebee went all Megatron-Jazz on him during a bout of anger, and ripped the killer cat apart.

Shockwave

Shockwave Transformers Decepticon

More violent than even Megatron, Shockwave Transformer will be one of  the pivotal Decepticons in Transformers 3 Dark of the Moon.

Appropriate, given that he is the Military Commander of the Decepticons. He was seen in the promo images for Revenge of the Fallen, but failed to appear in the movie; no matter, as Dark of the Moon will allegedly be all him.

Perhaps Shockwave is so powerful, that it will take the combined might of Sentinel Prime and Optimus to weather the storm he calls upon?

Whatever the case, Shockwave Transformers manages to look even more menacing than the insectoid-robot form of his leader…and appears armed to the teeth, which don’t seem confined to his mouth.

As for Shockwave’s standing within the ranks of the Decepticons, he is probably a successor to Starscream, once the conniver is killed in battle, since he isn’t likely to give up his spot merely as a matter of age.

Soundwave

Soundwave Transformers

The Decepticon communications officer and resident robot super-hacker, it’s about time an Autobot sent an Electromagnetic Pulse Bomb up into orbit to stop this menace from operating.

All that the Decepticons do, all the facilities they know to break into, start with Soundwave Transformers voluminous information-gathering abilities.

It doesn’t help that he is fiercely loyal to Megatron, unlike the other Decepticons, who mostly just fear him, and so remain loyal as a result of that. And Megatron knows it.

As such, the global threat called Soundwave is the second most-feared Decepticons, as Megatron’s ear is his. It is difficult not to have superiority complex when your reign is above even the sky, and you can hear all, and record it, as well.

Soundwave has a cohort in Ravage, although Bumblebee killed him, so who knows how Soundwave will get things accomplished on earth in Dark of the Moon. Perhaps he has an alt-mode capable of landing and traversing the planet that we haven’t yet seen….stay tuned for Transformers 3!

Autobot Leader Optimus Prime.

The heroic brother-robots of the Decepticons, engaged in struggle with their evil brethren pretty much since the inception of their home-world, Cybertron.

Led by Optimus Prime without question, they all strive toward their leader’s lofty standards.

Smaller on average than the Decepticons, they fight them valiantly at every turn, and most are willing to sacrifice their lives in order to keep humans safe.

In fact, this mission goes beyond even human life; the Autobots are committed to fighting to the last spark for all sentient life-forms.

Optimus Prime of Iacon

optimus prime

“Autobots, ROLL OUT!” – Prime war cry

“Freedom is the right of all sentient beings.”

Almost certainly the noblest non-human warrior in all of fiction, the Transformers’ Optimus Prime is the stalwart and unwavering leader of the Autobots, which are a group of sentient advanced robots embroiled in an unending war with their brothers, the evil Decepticons.

An amalgam of several legends of history and mythology, Optimus is unceasingly wise, caring, brave, righteous, and indefatigable in his pursuit of justice for all sentient life (particularly, humans!).

A natural leader, the other Autobots look to him for guidance and direction, and it is purely on the strength of his qualities that his leadership is unquestioned; he is more father to a family than ruler of a nation.

Indeed, Optimus Prime was literally born for the position, as he carries within his chest the so-called Autobot Matrix of Leadership, an heirloom carried by all his ruling ancestors. In the Transformers movies, the inherent command and bravery of Optimus Prime is reprised by actor Peter Cullen, who voiced the original movie in the mid-eighties.

Like all of the Transformers – whether Autobot or Decepticon – Optimus Prime has at least two modes of existence; one, as a bipedal, extremely resilient robot; the other, as a vehicle of some sort.

“One Shall Stand, And One Shall Fall.” Damn straight.

The largest and strongest of the Autobots (although in Transformers 1 Ironhide, the weapons-specialist Autobot, is said to be the most heavily-armed and may have the toughest hide), Optimus Prime transforms into a massive semi-truck that has changed to reflect the decade.

In his original incarnation the Optimus Prime Truck disconnected to become an actual battle-command station dubbed the Combat Deck, and sported a wide array of artillery weapons – much like a modern-day battle craft, except on land.

Although the current Transformers Optimus Prime retains all of his mighty nature, a lot of the details of his armament have changed.

Not only have we not yet seen the Combat Deck in the two highly-successful Transformers movies (2007’s The Transformers 1 and 2009’s The Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen), no mention has been made of yet another component of Optimus Prime: Roller.

Fans of the Transformers remember the little fast scout that clandestinely snuck behind Decepticon lines time and again, carrying with it a unique link with all of Optimus Prime’s senses, to give the Autobot commander real-time data.

Optimus Prime Dual Energon Blades

It doesn’t appear that there are any plans to incorporate this into the 3rd and possibly final installment.

However, I find the reports doubtful, due to the huge success of the films, that Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon is the final movie in the franchise.

It’s more believable that this is the last Transformers movie directed by Michael Bay, who has dedicated well over half-a-decade to the alien machines).

Optimus Prime has a somewhat average array of weaponry, being armed with just a single long-distance blaster – his large ion-cannon (which, as seen in Transformers 2:Revenge of the Fallen seems to shoot bullets the size of a human being!).

What he lacks in numbers, though, he more than makes up for with skill and unrivaled close-combat expertise.

He is clearly the best hand-to-hand combatant of any Transfomer, whether Autobot or Decepticon, although his arch-nemesis Megatron is bigger and stronger.

As one of the signature weapons from either side of the Transformers divide, Optimus possesses devastating dual energy swords that emerge when he retracts his fist (his optic blasts, seen in early Optimus incarnations, seem absent from his modern visage).

Drawn by Kevin Raganit of Deviantart 2012 – G1 Optimus Prime

It appears to be some alien metal, heated to incandescence, and can do to Decepticon hide what falls from orbit and tank shells appear unable to do: utterly rend their armor.

Furthermore, as shown in Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen, he has the fighting skills of a martial arts master.

Optimus was seen taking on a whole detachment of the most fearsome Decepticons, seemingly killing Blackout and maiming Starscream, before finally being felled by Megatron, his antithesis and leader of the Decepticons.

Additionally, the weapon that emerges from his arms doesn’t seem fixed; in rending yet another Decepticon into oblivion, Optimus unveiled two hotly-glowing sickles.

Early scenes from the 3rd Transformers movie Dark of the Moon should excite fans of the old franchise, as leaked stills of Optimus appear to show him with his legendary energy axe.

There have been several very cool modern upgrades to Optimus Prime, although a true fan can hardly call them ‘improvements’, in staying true to the old and revered Transformer.

First, there’s the general “boxy” nature of autobots and robots in the 1980s, compared to the much more organic and technologically-fluid robots of the 2000s.

In Transformers 2:Revenge of the Fallen, the most spectacular amendment to Optimus Prime to date was seen: the fearless leader obtained a high-tech jetpack by merging with an ancient though still highly capable Jetfire, a Decepticon-turned-good-guy who had lain dormant on Earth in the form of an SR-71 Blackbird stealth reconnaissance craft.

The optimus-jetfire combination may hint at leaked plans to finally give Optimus a permanent means of flight in Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon, but that is yet to be known for certain.

Bumblebee

Bumble bee Transformer

“The least likely can be the most dangerous.”

Possibly the most beloved of all the alien robots, the Bumblebee Transformer was meant to be one of the smallest Autobots, in order to more easily identify with their human allies.

His early incarnation was as a fearless, “little-engine-that-could” robot that always strove to make up for his lack of size with unbridled courage and resolve.

His fast and compact size lent him to quick and daring forays behind enemy lines, always done readily and eagerly, in order to impress his bigger Autobot brothers.

Bumblebee’s Napoleon-complex never served as a detriment to the Autobots, however.

In fact, it has always aided them in not only fighting the Decepticons, but also in dealing with human beings, with whom Bumblebee Transformer formed fast and lasting friendships.

Bumblebees alt-mode Chevrolet

Bumble bee transformer has had several alt modes (basically, car modes) apart from his bipedal robot form.

From the childlike yellow Volkswagen Beetle of the original Transformers, to the wickedly sleek and powerful 5th-generation Chevrolet Camaro of the present day (unveiled in 2007’s Transformers’ movie), the Transformers’ Bumblebee has always maintained a relatively friendly exterior.

This is true, even while being armed with plasma cannons and a very cool retractable battle mask (for when he means business, which is always in the defense of humans or his fellow Autobots).

In Transformers 1, Bumble bee uses these new weapons to spectacular effect in not only engaging the Decepticon Barricade, but defeating him in combat; this is a feat that would have been unlikely for the original Bee.

Classic Bumblebee

Due to Bumblebee Transformer’s extreme popularity, he will likely play yet another prominent role in Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon.

The evolution of the Bumble bee transformer from brave but reckless scout, to fully capable warrior (still heroic, but much more cautious), is on full display in Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen.

Time and again, he single-handedly goes up against formidable Decepticons in defense of humans, defeating Rampage and even killing the brutal and well-armed Ravage by literally ripping it apart with his bare hands!

That’s a feat worthy of Optimus-level strength, or even Megatron (rest in peace, Jazz).

There are numerous reports that Dark of the Moon will have a more human-centered plot; if so, Bumblebee fans can rest assured that the golden transformer will feature prominently in it, being as close to humans as he has always been.

One of the greatest Transformers that ever lived, it is Bumblebee Transformers’ nature and unspoken duty to liaise with the human element that the Autobots encounter.

He often becomes endeared to whatever Earthling has the good fortune to meet with him first.

Wheelie

Autobot Wheelie

“Only the fierce shall live.”

Which means Wheelie transformer should almost certainly be dead.

Sharing the distinction with Frenzy transformer as the only Decepticons to have had their metallic hats handed to them by purely human fists, Wheelie transformer was both defeated and turned by Mikaela (Mikaela was Sam’s love interest in the first movie) in Transformers 1.

Or perhaps it was the regal visage of the ancient Jetfire which inspired the former Decepticon to change his evil ways…but the little RC truck now works for the good guys.

For what that’s worth.

Jetfire

jetfire transformer

“Among the mysteries of the universe lies the key to victory.”

In an age not so long past, the SR-71 Blackbird, Jet fire transformer, dominated the skies, and was one of very few Autobots that could match the inevitable Starscream in his airborne alt-mode.

Those days are somewhat gone, but Jet fire manages to be of critical use in Revenge of the Fallen.

Indeed, this former Decepticon-turned-Autobot was of the ultimate use, combining with a revived Optimus Prime to streak towards the inimitable monstrosity The Fallen, and ensuring the accuracy of that traitorous Prime’s nom de guerre.

Autobots Ratchet

Ratchet Transformer

“You break it, I’ll remake it.”

Completely scrapping the time-honored tradition of non-combatant field medical personnel (you can’t have a passive Autobot, can you?), Ratchet transformer is the stalwart and eminently loyal medical officer of the Autobots.

Though inclined toward peaceful resolutions, he has an array of weaponry designed to discourage opponents, from a machinegun the size of a small Autobot, to a buzz-saw that can rend even Cybertronian steel.

Indeed, Ratchet may be the strongest Transformer of them all, whether Autobot or Decepticon, in keeping with his alt-mode function as a Search and Rescue Hummer.

Anything he can’t heal, probably requires the powers of the All-Spark.

Skids and Mudflap

Ill-conceived

“Either get in gear or get out of my way.” – Mudflap
“The right word is better than the wrong move.” – Skids

A clueless addition to Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen, Skids and Mudflap transformers were an unfortunate attempt at humor that elicited more groans that laughs.

Other than that, it is unclear what other purpose, if any, they served.

 Autobots Jolt

Transformers Jolt

The transformer Jolt was very much a background character in Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen.

Wielding electric whips as weapons, his unlikely persistence against cannon-toting Decepticons led to a bit of head-scratching (probably even for his fellow Autobots, who saw fit to leave him out of their group shot!).

He did aid the resurgent Optimus Prime in combining with Jetfire, by using those electric whips to hold Optimus together. There’s something to be said for forced utility, I suppose.

Ironhide

Transformers Ironhide

“I don’t go around, I go through!”

Ironhide is easily the most durable and damage-resistant of any Transformer, whether Autobots or Decepticons.

Never one to run from a fight (nor allow any other Autobot who might have the inclination to do so), his ion cannons always seem fired up and glowing menacingly, even when he is at rest. I suppose that means he’s never really at rest, possibly.

The battle-strategist of the Autobots, and one of the original five Transformers in 2007’s movie, he is Optimus Prime’s oldest friend, and would go down blazing with him.

Well, except in Revenge of the Fallen, when Optimus went down all by himself. But other than that, I imagine Ironhide would go down with him.

He is, after all, armed to the teeth, and might have spared a cannon-laced arm or something.

Look for the weapons-specialist to enjoy resurgence in Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon, in order to make up for why in the world Optimus Prime would’ve fought 5 Decepticons by himself.

Sideswipe

sideswipe transformers

“Love the thrill of battle, hate the notion of war.”

Sideswipe Transformer is the most  highly combat-versed member of the Autobots, perhaps second only to Optimus Prime in direct physical engagement.

Possessing wheels in favor of mechanical legs adds to his considerable agility, and always gets him to where he’s going faster than you.

Toting a cannon along his back, this weapon is largely secondary, as Sideswipe would much rather slice up Decepticons using dual swords that are virtually indestructible, and made of a metal reminiscent of Wolverine’s adamantium.

As they can rend even Ironhide’s hide, Decepticons tend to stay away from the Autobot combat instructor.

In Revenge of the Fallen, Sideswipe transformer makes his spectacular debut by coolly dispatching the Decepticon Sideways by simply cutting him in half.

Since Transformers regularly fall from great distances with apparently little to no damage, this gives you an idea just how incredibly sharp his blades are. He will make an appearance in Transformers 3:Dark of the Moon, as he ended Revenge of the Fallen relentlessly firing off rounds at fleeing Decepticons. Talk about dedication.

Jazz Transformers (R.I.P)

Autobot Transformer Jazz

“Do it with style, or don’t bother to do it”

I wonder if those were his last words when Megatron made an example out of the ever-loyal, fierce, and dearly-missed first-lieutenant Autobot Jazz Transformer.

He was dispatched in Transformers 2007 live-action film, in one of the brutal and dominating ways to defeat an adversary: Megatron simply ripped him in half.

Which was just flat-out unfair, as Jazz was already the smallest of the Autobots (yes; he was a bit smaller than Bumblebee).

Before his demise, the great Jazz was the Transformers’ ode to hip-hop, and a valiant warrior in his own right, willing to take on all comers. His Pontiac Solstice alt-mode was as cool and sleek as his personality, and a part of the Autobots died with his passing.

It has been reiterated time and again that we saw the last of mighty little Jazz in Transformers 2007, and there won’t be any resurrections involving him in Transformers 3 Dark of the Moon.

Chromia

Autobot Transformers arcee and chromia

A friend once laughed: “exactly how do female transformers come about anyway?”  Well, heck, how do male transformers come about, for that matter?

Questions notwithstanding, Arcee was known as Chromia in Transformers 2 Revenge of the Fallen.

She was taught how to fight by Ironhide, ans uses her slight alt-mode of a pink motorcycle to run circles around the competition.

With the understandable notion of always having to prove herself in a male-dominated camp, she often stands out as brave and accomplished, and not a single Autobot doubts her considerable talents.

Unfortunately, the Autobot Amazon was killed in Revenge of the Fallen.

Transformers live-action film of the year 2007 was the most welcome blockbuster of that year, as its eventual box-office take-over would attest.

The modern take on the 1980s cartoon favorite (which actually began as media-promotion for company Hasbro’s Transformers toy-line) was directed by Michael Bay, who was also at the helm of other big-budget movies such as 1996’s The Rock, starring Sean Connery and Nicolas Cage.

Transformers opens with the sage and gravelly voice of Autobot Leader Optimus Prime – who won’t actually be seen for some time in the movie – telling the story of the Cube (also known as the All-Spark), which is the Transformers-equivalent of the Holy Grail.

The ultimate amalgamation of machine and biology, this single object of immense power is completely responsible for the Transformers’ existence.

Indeed, it built their home-world of Cybertron from scratch, and subsequently populated it with life in the form of gigantic biological robots.

Predictably, after a time of peace and harmony, some of the Transformers would begin to covet the power of the Cube and desire to singularly possess it; the War for Cybertron inevitably followed this unerring desire.

Cybertron was quickly ravaged under the onslaught of the mighty robot warriors, as two great leaders rose from either side to lead them.

For the side of the good Transformers (the Autobots) rose a descendant of the mighty line of the Primes, Optimus. From the other nefarious side (the Decepticons) rose his brother, Megatron.

A series of wartime events led the Cube to be flung into the far reaches of space.

The planet Cybertron, without its limitless source of power, began to die under the ceaseless onslaught of its inhabitant factions.

…should’ve brought nail clippers…

The Transformers both Autobots and Decepticons, fled after it into the deep recesses of space, seeking to reclaim this awesome ark of power and rebuild their home…

The scene shifts to Earth, the third planet from the Sun in the Solar System, and the planet is about to get one heck of an alien robot surprise.

Here we are first introduced to the grunts; in particular, Captain Lennox (played by Transformers actor Josh Duhamel) and Sergeant Mike Epps (played by actor/singer Tyrese Gibson) – we will be seeing more of them, in all the films to come in the Transformers franchise.

They appear to be returning to base from an excursion, and have no idea what’s in store for them as an unidentified search-and-rescue helicopter slowly approaches base, unheeding any and all directions and threats of use of deadly force for noncompliance. The bird ignores and tension grows.

Strangely enough, the escorting raptors that intercepted the helicopter didn’t shoot it down, and it makes it to the SOCCENT airbase and lands.

A battalion unto himself – Blackout Transformer

The audience is treated to a most spectacular visual scene, as the helicopter transforms into the Decepticon Blackout, and unleashes a phalanx of unearthly steel and energy at the gathered military.

One weapon, a blue-tinged shockwave, sends a spherical burst that obliterates much of the surrounding terrain to twisted steel and flying bodies.

The assault has begun, and the base is under siege.

Soldiers alternately scampered and returned fire, as hemispherical blasts of blue shockwave-energy emanated from the Decepticon Blackout’s huge cannons; it quickly became clear that this wasn’t a random act of alien violence; Blackout was after the core of military intelligence.

It hard-tacks into the mainframe and starts downloading top-secret files, even as it sends tanks flying through the air with the numerous weaponry it lays claim to.

The general in charge of the SOCCENT forward-operations base in Qatar succeeds in breaking the hard-line before the Blackout can fully download what it needs from the military mainframe.

Resistance is futile…usually

This suggests that this will not be the final effort from the evil Transformers.

Just before the devastating scene fades away, we see yet another Transformer eject from Blackout’s backpack, and burrow into the sand with the kind of claws that only a Decepticon would have.

The human star of the show – indeed; of the entire Transformers three-movie series – is introduced to us first in his 11th-grade classroom, telling us a bit about the history of his explorer grandfather.

Sam Witwicky (played by actor Shia Labeouf) informs us that his great-grandfather was an Arctic explorer who discovered something that the Intelligence Community believed, but the rest of the academic community termed unbelievable – an alien Iceman, stuck in a deep-freeze in the Arctic ice. We will later learn not only that this “Iceman” is Megatron, but also why and how he got there.

In a planned turn of movie events, Sam’s father Ron Witwicky (played by actor Kevin Dunn) takes him car-shopping, as a gift for school performance.

Bernie Mac – King of Comedy. R.I.P 1957-2008

The eccentric “Uncle Bobby B for Bolivia” (played by the dearly-departed King of Comedy, Bernie Mac) tries to sell Sam and his father a yellow Beetle – in homage to the original Bumblebee’s car alt-mode from the 1980s – but has his plans to do so continually interrupted by a strange yellow Camaro that causes all manner of disruptions at the car dealership.

Not surprisingly, the striped-yellow Camaro with the Autobot insignia proudly and unmistakingly displayed on the steering wheel gets purchased.

A gathering of the nation’s top Intelligence experts is quickly convened in Washington DC, as the Secretary of Defense – played by actor Jon Voight – relays the severity of the threat and concerns that it was only an initial incursion.

There appears to have been no survivors who have gotten back into contact with Headquarters, so the brass is completely unaware that the human race is under assault by alien invaders.

In fact, the lone group of surviving soldiers from the SOCCENT base, who were able to escape the devastation and trek into the Qatari desert, replays the incident and realize it was a super-weapons system, but don’t yet understand that it was alien.

Sergeant Epps, Captain Lennox, and a group of soldiers under their command notice that Blackout Transformers had an invisible force-field around it, protecting it from the return fire it experienced back at the ravaged SOCCENT base.

They will soon know that the encounter isn’t yet over, as the burrowing Decepticon that Blackout released into the ground, Scorponok, is heading towards them to cut them off and keep them from alerting the most powerful military in the world as to the details of what happened at the Qatari airbase.

Megan Fox – Transformers 2007

Cut scene to a moment of levity, important to the rest of the Transformers film: Sam and Mikaela’s (actress Megan Fox, and the heroine of the film) first meeting.

He gives her a ride home in his new striped Camaro (or rather, newly-purchased striped Camaro), and the chemistry between them is immediately apparent.

As the nation’s top SIGINT (Signals Intelligence) guys and gals pore over the data compromised of Blackout’s alien screams, they slowly start to realize that it is simply too advanced too be from anything they can of on Earth.

Meanwhile, the Decepticon Frenzy has infiltrated Air Force One in the alt-mode of a boom-box, and is preparing to siphon the remainder of the military intelligence codes that Blackout failed to secure in his earlier assault on the SOCCENT airbase in Qatar.

SIGINT (singals intelligence, in military parlance) is able to pinpoint the location of the super-human hacker, and alerts Air Force One that have an intruder on board, right before shutting down the system to prevent further compromise.

Too late; as Frenzy has enough of what it needs: the clue to finding the AllSpark lies in finding Sam Witwicky. The Decepticon Barricade arrives in his camouflaged alt-mode of a police car after Air Force One is forced to land, and they make their way to Sam’s suburban abode.

Back at Sam’s house, Bumblebee Transformer suspects something is wrong, and takes off from Sam’s house in the middle of the night; Sam awakens and chases his car, unaware that it is an Autobot on autopilot!

He hops on his bike and catches up to his apparently independent-minded Camaro, only to behold a scene his wildest dreams couldn’t have predicted: Bumblebee transforms into full robot form.

Amazed, Sam watches as the yellow Cybertronian warrior unleashes a magnificent, chest-mounted beacon skyward, alerting who-knows-what, with a bright Autobot insignia framed against the cloud-tops, and leaking into the space beyond.

Technically it’s just an earthworm…

Returning to the Qatari desert, we see that Captain Lennox and Sergeant Epps’ merry band of military survivors are under attack by the sand-burrowing Decepticon Scorponok, who promptly kills one of their numbers and causes the rest to flee to the relative safety of a nearby Qatari town.

A frantic search for a phone results in Epps successfully calling in several of the deadly Predators drones in, for a rendezvous with Scorponok.

Furthermore, Captain Lennox’s Special Ops team is able secure a call to the rest of the cavalry, and the brass sends in several other large fighter jets to the Middle-Eastern desert.

Despite the bevy of spit-fire, high-caliber weaponry from above, Scorponok proved as resilient as any Transformer, as they will soon come to know.

Finally, a call to the Air Force to employ the heat-intensive Sable-rounds fells the sand-burrower, and Scorponok is broken enough to have to retreat, leaving a piece of its tail behind.

Impressive? Well, he’s one of the smaller Transformers…

Bumblebee returns to Sam’s house in the morning; as soon as Sam becomes aware of his car’s presence, he takes off, still spooked by what he’d seen the night before.

Unbeknownst to Sam, even as Bumblebee follows him speeding down the street on his bicycle, there is another, seemingly insidious car tailing them both; it is a police car with the words “To Punish and Enslave” emblazoned on its side.

All is not as it seems…Mikaela, who was sitting outside at a nearby park, spies the frantically-hurrying Sam, and gets on her moped to see what’s up with her new friend.

Sam, meanwhile, has been caught by the police car (Bumblebee is nowhere to be seen anymore), which shockingly transforms into the Decepticon Barricade, and pins him, demanding the answer to a very important question:

“Where are the glasses of your great-grandfather, the Arctic Explorer Archibald Witwicky?”

Well, since you asked nicely…

Sam escapes Barricade’s clutches and runs into Mikaela just as she is rounding the corner, and tackles her off the moped, as she would otherwise be heading straight into Barricade’s clutches.

Just as the Decepticon is upon them both, Bumblebee the Camaro comes careening out of the street and slams right into Barricade.

As a result, he almost rushed headlong into Sam and Mikaela, urging them to get in the Camaro.

A hair-raising car-chase scene later (consisting of the admittedly unfamiliar situation of one car chasing another car, with the inhabitants having no say-so!), Bumblebee Camaro leads the furious Barricade into an abandoned lot.

Overhand right coming!

Then, Bee quickly ejects Sam and Mikaela out and draws himself into his full, Battle-Ops alt-mode form, solar accelerator-cannons blazing as he readied for battle.

The fight between Barricade and Bee is furious; and, while Bumblebee Transformer attends to the bigger Decepticon, Barricade quickly unleashes Frenzy, who chases Sam and Mikaela; Mikaela succeeds in disabling it – or so they think.

The broken little Decepticon is very hard to kill, however, and it drags the leftover piece of itself (Mikaela had found a motorized hacksaw to chop Frenzy in half) into her purse, transforming into a cell-phone to replace the one she normally carries.

It is worth noting that the transformation graphics in Transformers 2007 are truly flawless; even when slowed down, it really looks like the robots possess accurately-rendered niches to put their assortment of weaponry and appendages into their spatially-compacted alt-modes.

Transformers really took CGI to yet another level with this film, and would only be surpassed by the monumental Avatar two years later, as well its own sequel, Revenge of the Fallen.

Alien space fireballs. Can’t make this stuff up.

After a cool Transformers 2007 movie scene in which Bumblebee ditches his beat-up Camaro alt-mode by scanning a Ford GT brand-spanking-new ride, we are treated to the exo-atmospheric speeding proto-forms of the Transformers that Bumblebee had called with his chest-mounted beacon.

These proto-forms appear nearly-indestructible, and are made specifically for the tough conditions of planetary reentry.

They all appear to be Autobots, and are essentially indistinguishable from each other in their naked robotic proto-forms, as they haven’t yet scanned any Earth-model cars for their chosen alt-modes.

We see ferocious Jazz (we only know it’s him because he is in the process of trans-scanning into his sleek Pontiac Solstice), the mighty Ironhide (Autobot weapons-specialist and battle-planner) revving up his GMC Top-kick, and of course, the Leader himself. Bumblebee escorts Sam and Mikaela to the spot where his battle-brethren are gathered, and we are treated to the most magnificent and nostalgic scene yet: the rise of the Leader, Optimus Prime.

Transformers protoform meteorite

The other Autobots unfurl their forms in turn; Ratchet, the medical technician, Ironhide, Jazz. Optimus Prime tells Sam the story of their home planet Cybertron, and how they came to bring their conflict to Earth, as well as the role he plays in all of this.

Sam’s great-grandfather, Archibald, had accidentally discovered Megatron’s frozen form in the depths of some sloping Arctic tunnel, and momentarily awakened the eradicator of Cybertron, long enough for him to shine an energy beam from his mechanical eyes and etch the coordinates to the AllSpark on the old man’s eyeglasses.

Megatron then went back to his deep Ice-sleep. The glasses were passed down to Sam, and only they hold the coordinates, as far as the gathered crew of two humans and five alien robots know, to the limitless source of energy.

They must reach it before the Decepticons do, as the former would use it to activate all the machines on the planet and overrun the Earth, extinguishing the human race.

They all trek to Sam’s house to help him search for the glasses, all the while trying to keep out of sight of his parents. Little do they know that a Beyond Top Secret faction of government intelligence, Sector 7, is already on the way, due to the hacking-discernment abilities of an uncharacteristically young crew of SIGINT experts from the DoD.

Just as a hilarious scene in which Sam’s parents discover Mikaela in his room concludes, Agent Simmons (played by the venerable actor John Turturro) appears at the Witwicky front door, with a formidable band of men-in-black. Things quickly fly out of the Witwickys’ control as radiation readings taken by the crew of government agents prove that direct contact with the alien robots has been experienced by the Witwickys, even if only Sam and Mikaela know this.

John Turturro…he’s actually even more badass in real life.

As Transformers 2007 rolls on, it looks like the jig is pretty much up, as Sector 7 can do just about anything it wants. They know about the aliens, and have known for decades; even the Secretary of Defense wasn’t privy to the information.

As they threaten Sam with essentially eternal imprisonment, they are quite definitely interrupted by the physical might of the Autobots; stopping their federal cavalcade of black Suburbans.

Optimus Prime rips the top off the Chevy Suburban holding Sam, Mikaela, Agent Simmons and driver, while Jazz uses a powerful electromagnet to relieve all the agents of their automatic weapons.

Unfortunately, while disarming the agents, the Autobots neglected to relieve one of them of his cell-phone, which he used to alert the cavalry. Hate when that happens. The place is soon abuzz with helicopters and an army of Suburbans, from which the Autobots must flee, or risk killing humans in the ensuing conflict.

The ensuing battle sees Bumblebee captured by a well-orchestrated dance of helicopters trussing the loyal Autobot up with specially-made anchors; where Optimus Prime’s unparalleled strength would’ve snapped the toughened cables, Bumblebee cannot; he is taken and frozen, with Sam and Mikaela also captured (though understandably, they weren’t frozen). The remaining Autobots, under Optimus’ orders, must fall back to avoid killing any members of Sector 7.

We need more computer hackers like her.

Back at the Department of Defense, things are almost as chaotic as the outside world, as military operators are scurrying about to deal with the sudden loss of communications, engineered almost certainly by the Decepticon faction.

The unknown head of the Advanced Research Sector 7 arm of the government makes himself known to the Secretary of Defense, informing him of the existence of Sector 7, and how it was formed in secrecy 80 years ago by then-President Hoover to deal with extraterrestrial threats or occurrences.

Sector 7, unbeknownst to all but those with the highest possible security-clearance; and, even then only on a need-to-know basis, has known there are aliens since they spotted a glimpse of a Decepticon on the planet Mars, smashing the Mars Rover Beagle sent there to explore the Red Planet.

We are informed that Sector 7 Advanced Research intercepted Decepticon communications, and learned that the evil robots are now aware that they can be harmed by human weapons (thanks to the Sable rounds that critically damaged the retreating Scorponok, humans know that intense heat can melt their molecular-robotic structures).

This is what inspired the whole-systems shutdown that the Decepticons subsequently instituted on the SECDEF base, to inhibit a coordinated military strike against their impending assault. Wouldn’t it be great if everything still worked on vacuum tubes?!?

No time for sightseeing, Autobots

Long story short, the United States defense starts marshalling forces anyway, using short-wave radio to call Destroyers back to base, and anything else they think that the Decepticon electromagnetic pulse wouldn’t have wiped out.

The super-hacking team in Transformers 2007, Sam, Mikaela, Special Ops bigwigs Captain Lennox and Sergeant Epps, are transported along with the Secretary of Defense and Sector 7 Head to the secret base within the Hoover damn, where the biggest secret since the atomic bomb is held.

The Autobots, sans Bumblebee, who is being held in a semi-frozen state by Sector 7 within the compound, are already gathered and await the Decepticons, who they know won’t be far behind.

Sam Witwicky is called upon to relate all he knows about the coming threat which, not surprisingly, is even more than the Sector 7 experts. They lead the crew of Special Ops, Sam and Mikaela, and all other immediately-relevant characters into the depths of the cavernous dam, right into a room holding the surprise of all surprises: an NBE (non-biological extraterrestrial). Furthermore, unknown to Sector 7, this particular NBE is the very worst one in the known galaxy: Megatron, mercifully still frozen in stasis.

Should’ve kept him in the Arctic.

Somewhat annoyingly, Transformers 2007 then makes the fictional – well, of course fictional, right? – assertion that all the technological wonders of the modern age, from cell-phones to cars and microwaves, are weaned from reverse-engineering efforts after studying NBE-1, as Megatron has always been known.

The Decepticon leader has apparently been frozen for thousands of years, and was discovered by Archibald Witwicky in the 1930s, upon which it was secured by the United States Government.

Sam immediately puts his utility on full display, filling in all the gaps that military intelligence had been unable to for the past 70-80 years since Megatron’s discovery.

He is able to discern from the looks of the Sector 7 brass that they actually have the Cube, the ultimate source of power for which Megatron hunted, right in the same building with the Cybertronian nemesis!

Meanwhile, the Decepticon Frenzy, who had slipped into Mikaela’s purse by posing as her cell-phone, is aware of all that is going on; and, as soon as it learns of the AllSpark’s whereabouts, sends a transmission to his evil brethren. Starscream, Bonecrusher, Brawl, Blackout and Barricade begin making their way to the Hoover dam, for the start of what appears to be the final Transformer battle.

The mechanical sycophant.

For the first time in Transformers 2007, we see the Decepticon de facto leader Starscream, who comes careening out of subsonic air-flight like an impossibly acrobatic bat out of hell.

Landing on a walkway far above the hemispherical curve of the fortress-damn, this one-bot battalion liberally unleashes several of his hunter-seeker missiles in one brief burst, compromising the generators that power the cryogenic system imprisoning Megatron. The most powerful Decepticon since the final age of Cybertron is slowly – but surely – thawing.

As the human hope starts running out of options with the power failing due to Starscream’s topside assault, Sam and the Special Ops grunts “convince” Agent Simmons to take Sam to the still-captive Bumblebee, as the golden Autobot will know what to do with the Cube.

Bumblebee works some technological magic – an oxymoron if I’ve ever heard one – and by touch and energy-transference, causes the house-sized cube to fold into an alien briefcase, leaving the gathered in awe.

They are snapped out of it by the realization that they are no longer safe underground in the Hoover dam-shielded base; not with Megatron in the very next room thawing out of a ten-thousand-year sleep. Not to mention the coming Decepticon horde. Although I couldn’t avoid mentioning them in order to say that I wouldn’t, so….

Some alt-modes really aren’t fair…

Captain Lennox takes charge without once compromising the chain-of-command; the sign of a born under-the-radar leader. He orders everyone to get the cube and bounce, intending them all to go 20 miles away to Mission City, to make their last stand there; they can simultaneously hide the cube somewhere in the city.

And the best part? He makes the order sound like a suggestion, which is immediately ratified by his two superiors, Agent Simmons and the SECDEF, himself. All the while, light begins to gleam in Megatron’s thawing optics…

The former Dual-Lord of Cybertron is free! And the rising body count of dedicated soldiers, desperately trying to re-freeze the Decepticon Leader, serves as testament to that failing endeavor.

In a computer-animated marvel, Megatron shifts explosively to his unique alt-mode of a tank-jet hybrid and blasts out of the building, to meet the waiting Starscream. In his admonishment of his second-in-command, it is worth noting that Megatron sounds somewhat like Sean Connery – but that is neither here nor there.

What is of major importance is the imminent need for the Air Force to engage the jet-powered Decepticons, and our little tech crew of analysts, the SECDEF and Agent Simmons are busy at work trying to get a signal out of the fried electronics (thanks to Starscream’s earlier blasts) of the underground base, as Frenzy is trying to kill them all.

Go ahead, car-jack this

Elsewhere…as the ground-bound Decepticons follow the airborne ones to Mission City to thwart the human team of Sam, Mikaela and the Special-Ops grunts, Optimus engages the ferocious Bonecrusher in a high-stakes highway fracas.

The hate-personified Decepticon has clearly bitten off more than he can chew in engaging the former Gladiator of Iacon, and Optimus unsheathes his blazing, charged ion-sword and relieves Bonecrusher of his face.

The SIGINT, SECDEF and Agent Simmons (he, apparently, isn’t important enough to have an acronym) succeed in getting the Air-Force to dispatch a few F-22 Raptors (the baddest fighter planes ever made) to rendezvous with the Special-Ops team led by Captain Lennox and Sergeant Epps in Mission City, where they will ostensibly hold down the fort against the oncoming Decepticons – of course, with help from the Autobots. I hope the Air Force has accounted for the mighty Starscream, who pretty much rules any skies in which he flies.

Should’ve sat this one out, Jazz.

The final battle for the Cube commences in Transformers 2007, with Starscream scoring first by destroying Bumblebee’s ability to walk under his own power.

The rest of the Autobots arrive to turn the tide of battle, and Ironhide unleashes an impressive (given his immense bulk) pirouette of simultaneously offensive and defensive missile blasts at the Brawl tank, biding enough time for Jazz to jump on top and rip off one of Brawl’s missile turrets.

Even the Autobot medical technician, Ratchet, joins the fray; he is the one that temporarily puts down the tough Brawl tank with a single blow to buy everyone enough time to get away.

Megatron finally arrives, and his sheer size tells you that the Autobots don’t have much of a chance against him. They wisely fall back…all except for the utterly fearless – and perhaps unwise – Jazz. Attempting to stand toe-to-toe with a Lord of Cybertron is madness, and Megatron grabs Jazz.

Taking off to a higher perch, the valiant Jazz rages and seethes defiantly, challenging the mighty ex-monarch: “You want a piece of me?!” To which Megatron replies: “No; I want two!” upon which he shockingly rips Jazz in half. Not even Ratchet could repair that kind of brutality, and so Jazz Transformer is dead.

…that was just ugly.

The Special-Ops team leader, Captain Lennox, urges Sam to get to the top of a high building with the Cube, so that he can pass it off to an F-22 Raptor en route.

Ironhide, Ratchet, and the soldiers and are poised to cover his escape (where is Optimus Prime!?? I couldn’t help but wonder this as the whole scene transpired.

Optimus is easily the best and most powerful fighter amongst the Autobots by far). Mikaela finds a tow-truck to which to attach the legless Bumblebee and remove him from the battlefield.

But I ain’t got no legs, Lieutenant Dannnn….

No sooner had the thought (wondering where Optimus was) flashed through my mind for the fifth time, than the vibrant blue-and-red visage roll into the scene, transforming into full-robot form before his Peterbilt alt-mode had come to a full-stop, calling Megatron’s name to face him.

The two giant former kings rumble through the streets, destroying more coffee shops than Howard Schultz would be comfortable with.

Despite the touted increases in the number of pixels to be used in the sequels to Transformers 2007, the future movies don’t one-up some of the battle scenes in their predecessor – Starscream’s strategic mid-air transformations are simply a beauty to behold.

Shifting alternately from jet-to-robot, he evades the density of Ratchet and Ironhide’s combined bombardment, to catch up to a fleeing Sam, who has the Cube securely tucked with his arm…for the time being; as the battle appears to be rapidly slipping away from the Autobots. Mikaela and Bumblebee notice the turning tide, and reverse direction to reenter the fray – the warrior-goddess is driving, while the legless Bumblebee is shooting.

Brawl, strangely enough, lost this fight.

The tandem of Mikaela, Bumblebee, and Special-Ops elite manage to relentlessly bombard and finally fell Brawl.

Sam has reached the pinnacle of the building with the AllSpark, but is met by Megatron crashing up through the roof of the very building on from which Sam now hangs precariously, refusing to relinquish the Cube to him.

Megatron’s unbreakable pincers lash out, bashing the concrete to smithereens and causing Sam to tumble to the street; far, far below. Transformers 2007 Optimus Prime, of course, catches him before he hits the ground, and they tumble to Earth protected by Optimus’ hard-to-harm exoskeleton, with Megatron following closely.

The two magnificent and age-old adversaries rise from the rubble, with Optimus expressing to Sam once again his willingness to sacrifice himself in order to keep Megatron from attaining the Cube: if he should fall, he instructs Sam to push the Cube into his chest, which would have the end result of destroying both. Voicing his most famous battle-cry – “One Shall Stand, and One Shall Fall” – Optimus Prime engages Megatron for the last time (well…sort-of – considering the sequels).

Trouble – rather, even more trouble – is brewing, as Megatron throws Optimus around: the Decepticon Blackout is sneaking up on Optimus from behind.

The Special Ops team sees this, and successfully engages the transforming helicopter with firepower from both sky and earth, with F-22’s barraging Blackout with seeker missiles and the ground-bound hitting him with artillery. Captain Lennox executes a four-star move, with the aid of a motorcycle, which downs Blackout decisively.

To the skies…in a cinematographic, visual masterpiece of an aerial dogfight, we are treated to a battle between Starscream and several air-superiority Raptors.

The Decepticon subordinate has a measure of early success due to his incredible agility and mid-air transformation capabilities, which allow him to transition to full-robot form and access a variety of weapons.

Next time, stop toying with the human.

But the fliers of the Raptors are the best in the business and after several of their number go down, are able to learn and adapt to Starscream’s shifting modes of combat, striking him a brutal blow that forces him to land.

The remaining Raptors continue on their way to their objective: Megatron. They get there just in time to relieve a beaten-but-hardly-defeated Optimus, and release missile-after-missile into the mighty Decepticon leader, keeping him very much at bay.

Megatron is barely able to chase a fleeing Sam; but, chase him he does, for the boy has the Cube!

Optimus contributes what his beaten form still can, tripping Megatron violently, until all three are nearly face-to-face, with both great Transformers feeling the effects of the furious battle.

Optimus, sensing that it may very well be over, urgently admonishes Sam to push the Cube into his chest, in order to keep it out of Megatron’s reach, even though it will kill him. Sam understands yet another solution, and, before anyone realizes what is happening, gathers himself and pushes the Cube into Megatron’s chest instead, finally felling the most powerful Decepticon that has ever lived.

“One Shall Stand, And One Shall Fall.” Damn straight.

Epilogue: In an attempt to keep the Transformers’ alien presence secret, the government gathers the bodies of the fallen Decepticons and entombs them in the deepest part of the ocean, the so-called Lorentzian Abyss.

The Autobots remain hidden on Earth, with Optimus unleashing a call into space to any of their lost comrades to join them in protecting Earth.

Bumblebee, of course, opts to stay with Sam as his car, protecting the young hero from all threats.

Oh – and the boy gets the girl 😉

New Transformers – Sentinel Prime

It’s unclear why Megatron feels he needs the Autobot Matrix of Power, since he keeps killing the guys who have it.

Sentinel Prime was a mostly mighty Autobot, who directly preceded the great Optimus Prime as a leader of the good Transformers. He met Megatron in a mano-a-mano, and was felled by the large Decepticon.

In the comics, as he lay dying, he passed the Matrix on to Optimus. Similar to Mirage, Sentinel Prime had an electric disruptor that could project images of himself all over the battlefield.

Hell, we can do that on Earth.

This new transformers weapons were a force-field-breaking shield, shoulder ion-cannons, and an Energon battle lance. He will bring these formidable accessories to bear in Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon.

In Dark of the Moon, it would turn out that Sentinel Prime was responsible for what is quite possibly the greatest betrayal ever: he forsook the Autobot cause and turned to the Decepticon dark-side. Sentinel planned to take over the Earth and use it to restore Cybertron.

The strength of his resolve? He killed the mighty Ironhide, Optimus Prime’s oldest friend and the Autobot weapons specialist and battle tactician. There’s a special place in robot hell for him, and Optimus made sure he got there speedily.

Silverbolt Transformer

In the Transformers cartoon, the Autobot Silverbolt was the definition of a conundrum: an Aerialbot (group of Autobots specifically designated by Optimus Prime to better fight Decepticons in their airborne realm) who was afraid of heights.

Okay.

Transforming into a concorde jet in the old Transformers series, Silver bolt’s alt-mode is rumored to be none other than the Space Shuttle Discovery, itself, in Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon.

Considering that this technological marvel only ever flies in space, it’s pretty obvious that Silver bolt’s silly fear-of-heights is being scrapped for the movies.

Ferrari Transformers

A smoking red Ferrari 458 Italia was reportedly seen on the downtown Chicago set of Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon.

Although no announcements have been made as of March which Transformer with this alt-mode will be used in the film, speculation runs high, and has produced 5 Autobots from the original stories that just might fit the mold. And here, in no particular order, is a quick run-down of the likely candidates:

MIRAGE TRANSFORMER

The unwilling, but superior fighter, Mirage transformer was used to a life of luxury on Cybertron, far-removed from the planet-wide conflict between Autobots and Decepticons. A bit of a draft-dodger, apparently.

Not so unlike the rich on Earth, it would seem.

Rumors abound that Mirage transformer may appear in Transformers 3:Dark of the Moon, as a souped-up Italian Ferrari. With the accent and all. He has weapons to spare, and the electrical ability to alter his appearance, and even make himself invisible. A useful ability for one who doesn’t wish to fight.

Cliffjumper Transformer

In terms of resolve and valiance, Cliffjumper transformer is everything Mirage is not. A champion of truth, he loathes Decepticons, and is unwilling to compromise with evil in any way.

He has much firepower to support this unwavering point-of-view, and often wields cannons bigger than himself.

You know that unearthly metal all Transformers seem to be made of,which seems able to withstand impacts from orbit, and all manner of non-fusion-cannon damage?

Well, Cliffjumper transformer has a gun that makes that metal as resilient as glass. Seems to me the only backup weapon he needs after using this gun is a hammer.

Red Alert Transformer

The Security Director of the Autobots, Red Alert Transformers has been played by both a man and a woman in the Transformers comics and cartoon.

In Transformers 3:Dark of the Moon, he is expected to play all-male, due to the difficulties in explaining gender differences tactfully – especially amongst robots that don’t appear to procreate.

In the cartoon movie, Red Alert transformer was killed in a battle with Devastator (you’ve got to expect an outcome like that when fighting something called ‘Devastator’), but apparently, he or someone like him is joining the ranks of Optimus Prime and Megatron as death-defiers.

His Lamborghini alt-mode may be well-suited to the intended Ferrari 458 Italia spied on the Chicago Transformers 3 set.

Windcharger Transformer

An original stealth-bot, Wincharger transformers power was all about magnetism. He could create magnetic fields and use them to pick up, drop, and rip apart metals. One can see how useful these powers could be when dealing with metallic robots.

He often has need of this power, as he is one of the very fastest of the ground-bound Autobots – second only to Blurr, and can stop just as quickly as he explosively starts.

Had the Transformers known any physics, he could have been a veritable fusion reactor, all by himself. Alas, they didn’t; and so, he wasn’t.

Might have saved him from Starscreams wrath in the Transformers cartoon movie. He may, however, very well be the Ferrari Italia seen on the Chicago set of Dark of the Moon.

Blurr Transformer

A speed-demon in every sense of the word, Blurr was the very fastest Transformer in the animated series, and is the likeliest new transformer candidate to be the Ferrari Italia seen on the set of Transformers 3:Dark of the Moon.

His sports-car alt-mode beats to blazes any commercial jet, and Optimus Prime and the Autobots use this to full effect by naming Blurr transformer as their messenger; Hermes to Optimus’ Zeus.

Hopefully he’s learned to shutup in Dark of the Moon, if indeed he is in it, as he was more talkative than even the ill-advised Skids and Mudflap of Revenge of the Fallen in the cartoon.

New Transformers – The Wreckers

No more Mr. Nice Guys.

The Wreckers are to the Autobots as Delta-Force is to the United States Armed Forces – hey wait; does this mean we have un-Armed Forces? Never thought of that before.

As the elite commando unit of the Good Transformers, they function as a surgical strike team, for which their immense speed, coupled with no-holds-barred-armament, is perfectly designed.

A starting lineup with no bench players, the Wreckers individual Transformers are….

Leadfoot

Originally a Decepticon loyal to Megatron, the fiercely loyal (well, apparently not, right?) Leadfoot took a page out Jetfire’s book and switched sides to the Autobot clan.

It would seem that Decepticon rules tend to wear on the sane.

With an alt-mode of a Juan Pablo Montoya NASCAR Chevrolet Impala, Leadfoot doesn’t appear to be aptly-named, as this Autobot Transformers’ specialty is flat-out-speed.

Combining this with his quantum-phase-alternating armor (or whatever it is that super-advanced robots use to deflect sensors, he becomes pretty much a silent bullet sneaking behind enemy lines, and unleashing his ample weaponry once he’s right inside their house.

And, he does it not with an assortment of laser-weapons, but with good old-fashioned lead, that leaves good old-fashioned holes in stuff. Ah, now we see; Leadfoot.

Roadbuster

Trigger-happy. But unfortunately for Decepticons, this attribute of Roadbuster Transformers is highly-selective: his finger only gets itchy when they’re lurking around.

A fierce and brazen leader in battle, Roadbuster has no equal when it comes to war-time exuberance.

He will hunt Decepticons down to the last bot, even as they’re fleeing from the field. Which is understandable, as he doesn’t do so well in times of peace, always preferring – strongly – to shoot bad guys.

He may very well be the first robot case of Attention Deficit Disorder, as he just can’t seem to focus when there isn’t a war going on. His alt-mode is that of the appropriately relentless Dale Earnhardt Green Amp Energy 88 racing car. He only uses his immense speed to get to a fight; never, to leave one.

Topspin

50 caliber. That’s the kind of gun that chews up small tanks and spits them out. Topspin carries one. Is there anything more that really needs to be said about this offensive juggernaut?

A Jimmie Johnson NASCAR Lowe’s and Kobalt 48 racing car, he is probably the most heavily-armed of the elite Wrecking-Crew. Not to brag, but he also sports a flamethrower up close – assuming any enemy can get that close.

Suffice it to say that he really likes to mix it up, though he’s not as much of an all-out battle-nut like his brethren, Roadbuster, he doesn’t mind battle scars, and thinks they build character.

I can’t imagine why any Decepticon would be on bad-enough behavior to warrant a visit by these Autobots.

We’ve moved! to all our old fans of Cybertron Transformers – check us out at our new home here!

Cybertron: It seems to be a staple across mythologies that brothers are often mortal/immortal enemies. And so it is with the world of Cybertron and the Transformers mythos.

In the beginning….

In the beginning, there was one mighty entity that decided to split into two mighty entities, Primus and Unicron.

These god-like siblings – not surprisingly – didn’t get along; Primus was the embodiment of good, and Unicron was the embodiment of evil.

In short, after a long series of tit-for-tat battles, Primus the good-god was finally able to imprison Unicron in an asteroid.

Unicron, however, chose to transform (making him the first Transformer, I suppose) his prison into a gigantic physical body.

Primus, seeing that this was a good idea, transformed himself into the planet Cybertron, from which smaller transformers would emerge to do battle with the massive Transformer, Unicron.

As usual, mythological reasoning escapes me.

Nonetheless, these original Cybertron-bound Transformers were very powerful, and drew energy and sustenance in the form of Energon from Cybertron.

In terms of value, Energon is the transformer equivalent of gold, diamond or platinum. Cybertron would eventually become a technological marvel, with what Earthlings would call futuristic cities, and metallic constructions of all kinds.

Unlike just about any other conceivable world, Cybertron wanders the galaxy without need of a Sun, since its energy comes from Primus’ life-force of Energon.

Indeed, it is the amazing plenitude of Energon, as well as for the Autobot Matrix of Leadership, for which battles were always waged on Cybertron (the Transformers seem to have forgotten that Unicron is the enemy) as factions tried to control these resources.

Cybertron: The Battlefield of Good vs Evil

The primary factions on Cybertron were the Autobots and the Decepticons. It is pretty easy to tell which one’s bad by its name. Neither of the leaders of each gang are elected; Autobot leaders are born, like a monarchy (it’s a somewhat convenient and yet untenable position that the “best” leaders end up continuing the line, but hey).

The Autobot Matrix of Power, created by Primus (without much foresight on his part; why not just give them something to fight over why don’t you) holds within it a part of his essence, and bestows leadership and might to the holder.

The Decepticons, on the other hand, are more like a dictatorship – the strongest rules. And such a system of government almost always leads to brutality, as one must continually prove he’s the strongest by acting.

The one Decepticon who seems to have the least problem doing this, has always been Megatron, and he rules with an iron 😉 fist.

In any case, the battles between the Decepticons and the Autobots were so ferocious, it jarred the planet of Cybertron loose from its orbit around Alpha Centauri, and they ended up in our Solar System.

Optimus Prime tried to clear a path through the asteroid belt, and somehow, several Transformers fell on Earth. Probability is out the window; physics is barely on the windowsill. Since Optimus still wields the Autobot Matrix of Leadership, the battle rages on here.

Back on Cybertron, they still fight over the Energon resource littered all about Primus transformer’s body – although the Decepticons and Autobots apparently unite once-in-awhile to fight Unicron, himself, whenever he rolls 😀 through.

How did the Transformers of Cybertron wind up on Earth?

Galaxies, after all, tend to be rather large….

Wondering what kind of bullets this uses? Me neither.

The primary factions on Cybertron were the Autobots and the Decepticons. It is pretty easy to tell which one’s bad by its name.

Neither of the leaders of each gang are elected; Autobot leaders are born, like a monarchy (it’s a somewhat convenient and yet untenable position that the “best” leaders end up continuing the line, but hey).

The Autobot Matrix of Power, created by Primus (without much foresight on his part; why not just give them something to fight over why don’t you) holds within it a part of his essence, and bestows leadership and might to the holder.

The Decepticons, on the other hand, are more like a dictatorship – the strongest rules. And such a system of government almost always leads to brutality, as one must continually prove he’s the strongest by acting.

In any case, the battles between the Decepticons and the Autobots were so ferocious, it jarred the planet of Cybertron loose from its orbit around Alpha Centauri, and they ended up in our Solar System.

Optimus Prime tried to clear a path through the asteroid belt, and somehow, several Transformers fell on Earth.

Probability is out the window; physics is barely on the windowsill. Since Optimus still wields the Autobot Matrix of Leadership, the battle rages on here.

Back on Cybertron, they still fight over the Energon resource littered all about Primus transformer’s body – although the Decepticons and Autobots apparently unite once-in-awhile to fight Unicron, himself, whenever he rolls 😉 through.

War for Cybertron was the highly anticipated video game for the Xbox 360, PlayStation 3, and PC (Cybertron Adventures, a similar game, was released separately for the Nintendo Wii).

Taking place on the Transformers’ home-world of Cybertron long before they found themselves on the planet Earth, War for Cybertron depicts a civil war to end all civil wars between the Decepticons and Autobots.

As always, it is to control the resource Energon; except this time, it’s Dark Energon. Big difference.

War for Cybertron – Best Transformer’s Game Yet?

In War for Cybertron, the third-person shooter (that would be you, mon frere) can choose to play as either an Autobot, or a Decepticon; whichever one you choose probably says quite a bit about you.

Whichever you choose, expect heavy resistance; you will be under the leadership of either Megatron (Decepticons) or Zeta Prime (Autobots; Optimus will assume leadership when Zeta Prime is killed, all before gameplay actually starts).

In War for Cybertron, there are numerous Transformers involved:

Not all of them are playable by the third-person (remember? That’s you), however. The game did VERY well in stores, and is available at a much reduced price since its release; all you console players see below.

For those who prefer playing War for Cybertron on the PC, download it today and start blasting Autobots – or, for the more adventurous out there, Decepticons – out of the alien sky.

Not surprisingly, the Autobots and Decepticons aren’t quite done fighting on a computer screen near you: Hasbro has announced the release of a much-awaited sequel in early 2012.

By the way, feel free to bookmark me for future news on its release, as well as any other upcoming developments!

Check out the entire collection of Transformers console games, from Transformers the Game, to the newly-released Dark of the Moon; for every major system from the Nintendo DS to the Playstation 3 and Xbox – just click here!